For several months after getting married, I suffered from a moderate form of depression. It took me a really long time to figure out that what I was feeling was actually related to getting married and the wedding itself. There seems to be little research done on the subject, with most publications or articles I’ve found calling the phenomenon post-wedding, post-nuptial or post-honeymoon blues. In some ways I find writing off depression as any old case of the blues to be rather aggravating. For several months, depending on the day, I would actually go from mild to severe depression. This was a constant state of being that wouldn’t just go away. I am doing a lot better now, but it was a real emotional process that I had to work through personally and still deal with every once in a while.
Most of the internet research I have done states that one in ten women experience post-nuptial depression – PND – after their wedding. I was honestly comforted to hear this. For a while, I thought I was either going crazy or had a serious problem. Just one month after the wedding, I began to go down a road of withdrawal from social activity. I had volunteered to be part of my company’s softball team but was finding myself not wanting to go to the once-a-week, hour-long games. All I really wanted to do was go home after work and sit on the couch. I stopped exercising. I even stopped talking to people I cared about, like my mom and my friends. It was all I could do to go to work every day. Wasn’t that enough? It got to the point where I was barely functioning on a minimal basis and began to self-medicate daily. I wasn’t self-medicating to the extreme, but I did begin to consider drinking 3-4 glasses of wine a night normal. My husband didn’t appreciate this. He didn’t really like that I never wanted to do anything and thought that I was drinking too much. That would make me angry and want another glass of wine out of spite, which, as you can obviously guess, is not a good thing. I really didn’t feel like he understood me. I really couldn’t explain myself in a rational manner, either, mostly because I couldn’t even figure out what was wrong. I just knew how I felt.
After my doctor advised I get a counselor to work out the life changes that were affecting my emotions and causing me to self-medicate, I decided to do some research on depression. Here are a few definitions from Wikipedia:
Clinical Depression: A common psychiatric disorder, characterized by a persistent lowering of mood, loss of interest in usual activities and diminished ability to experience pleasure.
Postpartum Depression: A form of clinical depression which can affect woman, and less frequently men, after childbirth.
There was no definition for post-nuptial depression. Although there has been significantly more research done on postnatal depression, I find similarities within my own experience that make me think PND may be on the same level as postpartum. Both forms of depression affect mainly women and follow a major life-event – a stressful, life-changing event. I think that it’s only a matter of time before more research is done, and we’ll find out for sure. Whatever you call it, it’s still depression.
If you are suffering from PND, you still need to get treatment of some kind. My doctor recommended for me to go see a therapist, not to get medication, but to work through the issues affecting me. She also recommended that I stop self-medicating. While I haven’t actually gone to a therapist, I have done a bit of research and stopped self-medicating. So far, things have gotten better. Every once in a while I will get depressed, but it seems to not last as long. Now that I recognize why I feel the way I do, it is easier to confront and work through difficult issues when they crop up.
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November 24, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Postnuptial Depression?Newly Married Couples « Manasir53’s Blog
[…] of recently married couples who enroll to deal with their postwedding doldrums. Newlyweds often blog about it, while brides-to-be fret over the anticipation of it on websites like TheKnot.com. Therapists say […]
November 26, 2008 at 7:29 am
Postnuptial Depression: What Happens the Day After | Health News for Today
[…] of recently married couples who enroll to deal with their postwedding doldrums. Newlyweds often blog about it, while brides-to-be fret over the anticipation of it on websites like TheKnot.com. Therapists say […]
June 5, 2009 at 1:01 pm
So Tired
I feel so relieved after reading Jeninne Lee-St. John’s Times article, which directed me to this blog.
I have been married for 5 months, which have been both the best and worst months of my life. Never have I felt so utterly depressed in my life, with nobody to turn to. Whenever I meet friends, they chirp about how great it must be to be married. I just smile and agree.
Even though I studied Psychology and know about depression, I found it hard to come to terms with my feelings of guilt, shame, emptiness, loneliness and tiredness. I turned into a real grump, picking fights with my husband, who really didnt deserve it.
My feelings of depression were compounded by my lack of job satisfaction and the inherent need to please my in-laws.
Although I benefited from a self-discovery course I completed about a month ago, this is certainly a work in progress.
I would really like to hear from more women going through these challenges, as I believe that talking about it will help. We often keep this to ourselves, yet the healing is in the feeling.
June 28, 2009 at 11:17 am
Amber
We just got married in June. I can honestly say that I have married the best friend I have ever had. We have now returned home from the honeymoon and his work hours are all over the place. Something I am used to but before the wedding I was still living at home with a big family. There were always people around. Now when he works weekend. I find myself sitting in the middle of a quite little apartment without so much as the sound of nearby voices. I have never felt so utterly alone in my life. Im a little disillusioned because I thought we would have so much more time together after the wedding. I find myself just sleeping or lying around a lot and I used to enjoy getting out and doing things outside. I just dont feel up to it lately.
July 25, 2016 at 1:15 pm
Charles S.
I’ve been reading up on a few things because I just got married 5 months ago. I am a male and I’m trying to find out how to work things out with my wife. After reading through these chain of responses, my wife is going through something very similar.
She moved away from from the east to west coast, left behind a big family who she was surrounded by all of the time and is now with me in AZ where its much quieter. We have my family here but we’re not surrounded by one another everyday. I know some of these are making her feel the way she feels. I travel for work quite a bit on a weekly basis. On average I’m away 2-3 days a week and then in between every 4-5 weeks I’m home the hole week. She doesn’t work although I’m not opposed to her working. She sleeps all day and watching shows/movies and she resents me. I feel as I’ve been made out the bad guy and took her away from a good life back and can’t give her the same lifestyle. She blames so much on me that it’s tough. I’m a man, I get it but she never lets me live anything down. It’s tough. From a woman’s perspective, I wanted to know if there is any advice you can give me. I’m very worried about my marriage.
August 15, 2009 at 6:21 am
I'm tired too
Just by reading your comment, I now feel that I may not be crazy. I just got married 3 weeks ago and have never hated and loved someone soo much. I am realizing that I am putting unreasonable expectations on my new husband. I had alot of stress prior to the wedding. My maid of honor dropped out, my mother’s phone calls increased, he had his mother staying with us at our house. I have also turned into a grump and it’s me that is setting the mood for the household. I am singlehandedly pushing him away. I have certainly turned into a control freak. He is a good, honest man and in my heart I know that. It was actually my father that first told me I may be getting depressed. He told me its very common, espcially for woman to feel this AFTER they get married. I hate feeling this way. I have never been a depressed, emotional person until now. I do feel comforted by reading other peoples feelings. Their should be something for woman to prepare for these feelings PRIOR to their big day. I think I could of hadled things differently had I know what to expect.
July 28, 2015 at 1:52 pm
Emily
I have barely been married two months and I can definitely relate to your comment! Although I have had my fair share of emotional roller coaster rides before the wedding, it seems odd that I would be so depressed after marrying such a good man and my best friend and high school sweetheart. I feel even more depressed when I have to come to terms that I am part of the problem. I hate admitting that. I want him to see what HE is doing wrong and admit it. I am selfish I admit. I was born with this sinful nature. I also feel depressed because I thought things would change for the better after marriage, that my husband would show more physical affection and be more understanding. I thought he would stop making other things in life more of a priority and start to forget life and spend more time with me. He told me “one day” it will be better when we’re married. But fact is, nothing changed. Things I thought would get better didn’t. Problems I thought would go away just came up in a different form, but the same problem underneath. I heard that I have to expect to be disappointed in marriage. Yet knowing that does not make me feel better. I never feel satisfied. I am always wanting more. I hate that about myself. He deserves a happy, content wife. I struggle with accusing him and doing this pushes him away. I just want him to understand but each time I try explaining things, we both get more upset and the situation gets worse. How do you love or forgive someone who doesn’t understand your feelings or show that they care about them? How do you defeat the lies saying you’re not good enough or worthy of love? My only hope is in Jesus Christ. He may not take away my pain or confusion on this life, but he’ll be with me and will wipe away my pain in the next life, in Heaven with Him. This I know for sure, even though I am hurting today. He gave me this man to love and I must try to appreciate him, as hard as that is. Marriage is hard but I must stay committed, no matter how I feel, no matter the obstacles. There is beauty in saying “I am committing my life to you even though many times it will be hard to do”.
July 24, 2016 at 3:55 am
Tanvi
Hi
I can co relate myself to u quite a much. Its been 7 months of my marriage n I hardly remember a month of happiness. I have nobody to share my state of mind. I nearly have everyday fights turning me into a completely new personality. I dnt know how to cope up with this. My in laws my husband are always criticising me because of something.
I wana go back to a normal person. Plz advise the self discovery course which helped u
Thanks
July 9, 2009 at 5:21 am
newly married
We got married in May and I feel truely blessed. Yet, my husband spends four days of the week with me and is away for the three. For the remaining three, I am left feeling so depressed that I think I’m going to go crazy. I’m teary all the time, I am unable to focus on my job, I’m lagging behind in many things. It is just really tough and I don’t know how I’m going to live through it.
I am unable to speak to my husband about it because he is always positive about everything, I have never met anyone in my entire 30 years of life who is as positive as my husband. This is excellent, yet, it leaves me not wanting to drag him down or seem negative.
I had been dying to get married and I have to say, I’m so lucky to have my husband, yet, I am ashamed to say that married life isn’t a fairy tail like the films show…
July 28, 2015 at 1:56 pm
newlywed
I can relate… I know most of my depression is disappointment. I looked forward to this day (being married) for so long that I had so many hopes and dreams. And when they didn’t turn out as I expected, I became so depressed. It hurts so much when my hopes didn’t pan out and my fairytale didn’t last. It hurts when you stop feeling special and wanted by the person you love. You know they love you but you can’t help but wonder why they don’t seem to notice you like they first did when you were dating and first married. Life eventually got in the way and I became just someone he lives with, no one special that he can’t wait to come home to.
February 2, 2016 at 4:18 pm
Joy
Dear Newlywed
Thank you so much for writing this post. I feel so much relieved and light hearted that there’s someone out there who is going through exactly what I am going. I have been married for a year now. My problem in my married life with my husband had started a month after we got married (regarding things like why have you changed so much and not treating me like you used to when we were just dating). We would fight once every week and after having some romantic moments we thought everything was okay and it’s all going to be normal. But then this kept happening on and off and now it’s one year and who still have those fights. Sometimes I just want to walk away from my marriage but then I know I never will be able to because me and my husband love each other way too much. When we are okay with our marriage then there’s something that my mother in law (I live with my in-laws) isn’t happy about which causes tension between me and my husband. I used to be this girl with a very bubbly personality, sweet and always trying to make others happy but now I have become this bitter mouthed grumpy lady who is always moody and picking fights.. Which my husband doesn’t deserve at all. Because of this huge change in me, me and my husband have become sort or distant and he is always scared to spent some extra time with me as I may explode anytime anywhere. I don’t want my marriage to be ruined.
Please help.
July 9, 2009 at 5:27 am
newly married
“so tired”, I see exactly what you mean…everyone keeps asking how married life is and how happy I must be…I don’t want to spoil the image and so i only smile and say “great”, I don’t know anyone I truly trust to speak to them about how I am truly feeling…
July 27, 2009 at 12:41 am
mrs. newlywed
Thank you all so much for sharing. I ditto everything everyone has said. I’ve been married for 4 months and have been truly struggling. I don’t understand how I can feel so gloomy when this should be one of the happiest times in my life.
How are you getting through it? How do you get over this??
August 13, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Same Here
Dear “So Tired”, you’re not alone. I have been incredibly unhappy since our June wedding. I can’t help but think this is the biggest mistake of my life. My husband is completely clueless to it….but it’s getting to the point where everything he does angers me. We’re trying to sell 2 houses, and in this market, needless to say, they aren’t selling. He has 2 young daughters who are very poorly behaved and have spent the majority of the summer with us. All I can think of is, “Is this it? Is THIS what my life has come to?” I understand what you mean when people ask you how “wonderful” life is now. You have to lie about it and smile….otherwise people look at you like you’re crazy. 🙂 I made that mistake only once. I do know you sound smart, articulate, and insightful. I sincerely hope everything works out for you and everyone else who has posted.
August 19, 2009 at 2:26 pm
SoHelpful
I’m so glad I found this site – I thought I was going mad thinking this was just happening to me! I was so happy to be getting married and planning the wedding and I had so many friends and family come and stay with us for it. Now, all the excitement has gone and I feel so lonely. I have been snappy, irritable, crying all the time, no get up and go and it’s a hassle to get dressed in the morning. My husband is wonderful, but he has no clue – although he knows I’m unhappy I had been putting it down to work, but I was never this unhappy before I got married. Now I have a reason – and you know what? Getting married is a big deal and lump that together with many of us starting off married life really struggling in this economy then I think we have all the triggers of depression! It’s a big change – all of a sudden the dynamics change and hopefully once I adapt to that change I’ll be back to my old happy self – I hope so, because I am so tired of dealing with being tired and depressed!
August 28, 2009 at 5:31 am
mourning the loss
I am mourning the loss of him as my boyfriend. I’m so happy we are married and I feel more confident and like I’m finally becoming an adult, but I miss the idea of my boyfriend. I miss the infatuation that we had when we first met and the process of falling in love with him. How every song reminded me of him and how we would text each other all the time with love notes. We have been together for almost 4 years and I always felt so glad that we had gotten over that part. I’m happy that we were comfortable with each other and that truly loved each and are in love and it is a concrete feeling. But now I’m mourning the loss of it all. The fact that may never feel the way we did right when we first met.
I have an all or nothing mind set and I know that marriage brings about deeper feelings of love and that you fall in love many times over with your spouse in the course of a lifetime. I’ve seen it in my parents and they have been married for over 30 years. I just have this fear that it will never happen to us. I’m crying all the time and I get sad when I think about how everyone used to tell me he just looked at me with so much love and admiration. Will that go away since we will be together all the time? Will he always look at me that way? Will I always look at him the same?
And the smiles, I have to smile and say “everything is really good” even though I want to cry and tell them how lost I am. How I don’t know who I am because I’m a wife now and that somehow changes the way people look at you. And I’m a stepmother, and people keep calling me a mom now. I know I am the same person that I was a month ago, but I just don’t know what to do. Also, I have been waiting to be married to him for so long because of school and now we are married, and I almost feel like I don’t have anything to look forward to. I’m just lost and it sucks, and I know that a year from now things will be different and I will be laughing at myself for getting so depressed. I’m just so caught up in it now and I don’t know what to do…
July 28, 2015 at 2:02 pm
newlywed
I am mourning right with you! I miss when things were exciting and still new and when we had hopes for the future. What happened to the romantic, enchanting dates? What happened to the butterflies? When will he look at me with admiration and desire again? When will he stop thinking of everything else in life and just enjoy being with me?
Being together more has definitely put a damper on how special it used to be to be together. My heart craves for how things used to be, when we first met, and we couldn’t’ see a reason to be angry with each other. We just wanted to enjoy the moment.
September 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm
-
Before I was married I had never heard of Post Nuptial Depression, which is strange to me because I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and OCD already, (not the ritual type of OCD, but the obsessive unwanted thoughts). Growing up I’ve heard about Post Partum depression but never Post Nuptial depression.
I love my Husband; he is my best friend and the only man I would ever want to spend the rest of my life with. I look up to him and love his family. We laugh all the time together and I know he is always there for me. But after the honeymoon I felt like I had nothing to look forward to anymore. I have crossed the line to the married side. The year before I was totally preoccupied with school, work and daydreaming about the biggest day of my life, it never occurred to me I would feel so sad when it was over. It’s like all your life you always knew you were going to get married but never to who, or when it would happen until one day it comes and goes. Just like that. All the frills, excitement, and people dotting over you are gone. But it’s not exactly the attention that you miss, it’s the idea that something you lived with your whole life as a little girl and now grown women is suddenly over. I feel guilty, and ashamed it’s over, like I’ve done something wrong, even though I know I didn’t.
Why am I carrying around all this dread with me? I feel like I fell off a cliff. I was laid off from my job, school was out for the summer and the wedding is over. I drove myself crazy this summer just thinking and worrying. I just feel like there’s all this pressure. I know these are irrational thoughts but I can’t stop thinking them. I want our marriage to be perfect and I want to last forever with him.
Since after the honeymoon my medicine hasn’t worked, I can’t help but feel sad, alone, depressed and can’t stop thinking of horrible things. I’ve even switched medicine and it hasn’t helped. I don’t know if there’s anything else going on with me. I just want to go back to the way I was. I hope school, and with the help of a new medicine, will bring back who I really am.
October 20, 2009 at 6:46 am
MR
We’ve been married for a month. The night of our wedding I didn’t really eat all day and ended up completely bottoming out. At around 3am I was in the bathroom of the hotel dry heaving and having a panic attack. Something was seriously wrong. For the first day or two I was up and down about the marriage thing, but mostly down. I had gone right back to work on Monday, no time off, and I realize now that it was a mistake. Still, it’s been 4 weeks and I can’t get over this depression and hopelessness. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake in getting married. He’s a wonderful man – sweet, caring, supporting, funny…etc. – and I’m lucky to have him in my life. I just wish that I knew that I had made the right decision and that I was happy. A lot of the above have had an effect on me: loss of identity and independence, wanting it to go back to the way it was, stressful work and school, feeling like I’ll never be the “bride” again….but I can’t move past it! I’m so frsutrated and I’ve been really honest with my new husband – and it’s hurting him to know that I’m not happy with our marriage. What do I do? I’m seeing a therapist and they’ve put me on medication. 😦
December 14, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Lost
Wow! I”m sooo glad to have found this site. I can totally relate to every single post. I was so scared I was all alone. I just got married in July. Ihad the perfect wedding in Jamaica. I must admit that I had feeling of worry and undecisivness right after I got married. I think the whole shock of becoming a wife, a new identity, everything happening so fast, all these emotions going on, that I just didn’t know how to process it all. My husband is a wondeful, sweet and caring man, but it seems that everything he does irritates me. I loved his dearly before we got married, and he hasn’t changed, so it’s obvious it must be me. When people ask how marriage is, I get sad inside, because I can’t honestly answer “great!”, “it’s the happiest time of my life”! I have to smile and say great knowing I’m lying inside. I do love my husband, and jus want to feel the same way I felt before we were married. I”m scared to death, that I made a mistake, or it’s just something else. Reading all ofthese posts and knowing that i am not alone; gives me so much comfort. If only I can know that it’s going to be ok….
December 18, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Similar Situation
My husband and I got married six weeks ago out of circumstance more than anything else. I’d lost my job, was going to lose my apartment, had no health insurance, and couldn’t afford COBRA. Even though we were planning on getting married anyway, everything got pushed up. Because of that the whole thing felt rushed. I didn’t have an engagement ring, I got my dress off the rack a month before the ceremony (and could barely breathe the whole night in it) and we never got to enjoy any time being engaged. Now that the wedding is over I’m in this funk because I feel like I missed out on something that I’ll never again get the chance to experience. I feel silly and selfish, because I was never the time of woman to think about her “dream wedding.” But still, I feel a little depressed. I hope that in time I’ll be able to fully appreciate what’s most important – my husband and my marriage – and not some party.
January 1, 2010 at 10:16 am
Desperate
Thank you to all of you who have shared your experiences. “So Tired” is right to say that we benefit from telling our story AND knowing other people have been there.
My husband and I were married in August. Within those four months, I have experienced a lot of changes. I gave up my job and moved away from a close network of friends so we could both live in the city he worked, his job kept him from home 10+ hours a day, I was job hunting and spent most days alone in the house filling out applications and doing housework. Two years ago I struggled though a severe 6-month bout of anxiety and depression, so I was educated and knew that was where I was heading. I deliberately got out of the house–didn’t matter the reason, you just have to push yourself out the door some days–and volunteered for a homeless outreach, taught English to a gentleman from China, and took a 9-week tax preparation course hoping to later be hired.
As soon as the course ended in November, my husband and I moved to another city (he got a much better-paying job at a military base). However, our new town is 2 hours away from all of our friends and family and several major businesses I was used to. My husband has to commute 45 minutes each way to work, so we still don’t get to spend very much time together. We haven’t found a church we like either. I did get hired to prepare taxes in 2010, and just getting the job was a huge answer to prayer. I am supposed to begin on Monday.
But for the last three weeks I’ve just felt sad. I felt unmotivated to go into the office until tax season. I started declining calls from friends or not calling them back (for no reason whatsoever). I feel torn between my role as a new wife–cooking, cleaning, taking care of finances, trying to get in the mood for sex–and my career. I would prefer to quit my job before it starts. Thinking about going into the office makes me anxious. Even when it’s sunny outside, I sleep in late and leave the blinds closed all day. And I desperately want to make new friends, but I feel anti-social.
I finally admitted this stuff to my husband last night. He stuck with me through the dark depression I went through two years ago, and he’s understanding but also a very logical, do-the-right-thing-when-I-don’t-feel-like-it kind of guy. I hated to admit that I’m still struggling to manage stress and anxiety and don’t have any “real” problems.
I know it will get better, but for now I just don’t know what to do and don’t want this to take a toll on our married life. If you can relate in any way, please let me know!
June 24, 2014 at 12:18 am
Magy
Wow i cant believe how much i can relate to ur story. I got married about 3 months ago and ive been feeling sad im not sure if its depression but I always feel like crying and I do after my husband leaves for work.He works graveyard and sleeps the whole morning. I cant complaint about him he is sooooo good to me and does everything and anything. Before i got married i was working at a Bank, i lived with my parents, paid my on bills and always went out with my family. Now im stuck at the house being a house wife i do enjoy it when he is here and we go out but once he leave and im alone i feel soooo sad. At least at my parents i had them and friends. But at night i sleep by myself in this big beautiful home. I apply for jobs but i gave up because i got so frustrated. Today i started applying again and my husband and i had a talk and he thinks im not happy. I told him that i cant believe i had EVERYTHING back home and i left everything for him i moved to Las Vegas from California to be with him. I am happy with him but im not happy with his schedule and me being alone at night(he even got an alarm system so i can feel a little safe) and sleeping in until he gets up. He said he is waiting for a morning position and im trying to be patient with him.
May 20, 2010 at 11:00 am
bliss to tears
I relate to you all…
In my mind, and yes, even in my heart, I know I am a very blessed woman. I realize that my blues are a result of a great deal of change in my current life, combined with my past experiences. I am deeply struggling to manage and to understand my identity and purpose — AGAIN! This time is different, though… before I could “justify” my depression because the marriages were rocky. Now, when I am essentially happy, or at least I should be, and my relationship is a great one — the one I’ve prayed for and dreamed of — I still feel so low. The most fantastic, loving, soul-mate of a husband does not stop me from feeling the internal abyss, sadness, anxiety, worthlessness, tiredness, loneliness, and irritability. I am starting counseling, with hope and confidence that this will pass. I wish you all bright, loving and joyful futures.
May 20, 2010 at 11:57 am
Bittersweet
Bliss to Tears (and everyone here),
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I got married July 27th, 2009 in Jamaica. I had the most beautiful wedding, in the most beautiful location. However, as soon as all of my family and friends started to board the buses to go back home, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, lonliness, and loss. I felt like “what do we do know?” I was sad and depressed and scared, and didn’t understand what was going on, and why I was feeling so low, when I should have been on top of cloud 9. I have the most loving and supportive husband on the planet. He’s wonderful, but when I tried to talk to him about it, we got in a major arguement, because he coudn’t understand why I can’t just fight through it, and not let the feelings get me down. He got upset because he just wanted to “fix it”, and he felt that it was his fault that I was so upset and sad, and that it must be something he’s not doing, or that I regret marrying him or something.
The hardest part for me, is my lack of desire for sex. I literally have no desire most of the time. Like I would be perfectly fine without having sex at all; and I know I CAN’T be that way being a wife. I’m so scared and feel so alone, and know that it is my job to satisfy my husband, so I just make myself.
My mother came to visit me for week and I just took her to the airport last night, and cried like a baby, because I felt that sense of lonliness again, when she left. Like what do I do now?
No one sat me down and told me that I could have these feelings after I get married. I’m so grateful for this site, because I see there are so many people who are going through what I am going through, and that I am not alone.
I don’t want to loose my husband, although he say’s he will never leave me, and that he loves me uncondtionally, I still HAVE to get bettter, and want to get better. I’m supposed to be loving sex, on cloud 9, still in the honeymoon stages, right?
Thanks so much for reading my really long post, I just need a little help right now. I’m just sad most of the time, and am really thankful to have this site to help me get through this…
May 31, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Mrs Missing
I got married 8 months ago and I’ve been feeling more and more depressed. Has the depression gotten better for anyone out there? If so, how long did it take before you started feeling better? I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I can’t be blissfully happy, but I just can’t. I feel blah most of the time and it’s so hard to explain. I’m emotional about everything and start crying at the drop of a hat. I feel really alone, even though I’ve spent the last 8 years living on my own up until I got married. I’m not sure how it’s even possible to feel more lonely now that I’m not living alone. I don’t have any married friends and my single friends don’t really want to hang out with me anymore. I don’t fit in anywhere anymore.
April 14, 2014 at 10:59 am
April
Hi I have been married 9 months now and I have gone through the same types of emotions too. My husband is the most wonderful man ever and he treats me like a queen but life changes has got me so down and depressed. It’s good to know I’m not alone out there. I hope it gets better for you hang in there:)
August 4, 2010 at 12:51 pm
cathy
I fought with husband day before wedding, silly stuff, stress, tension. He put no effort into wedding. DAy of wedding he walkedd up to me before i walked down the aisle and said, “I hope we can make it.” He seems to think me getting emotional night before wedding is the worst thing in the world. Now we are married and i am so depressed. I look at him and think to myself I hate him, i made a mistake he has ruined my wedding day and my life. He avoids confrontation by running away. I am miserable and dont know what to do.
August 31, 2010 at 3:12 am
mrs confused
I’ve been married almost 2 weeks and I’m really starting to regret it. I’m young. 18 in fact. I just graduated high school, moved across country, and got married. All within 3 months. I have always struggled somewhat with depression. I used to self harm growing up and finally stopped when I met my husband. We fought a lot during the planning of the wedding. Mostly financial arguements. The wedding day itself and the short honeymoon was perfect. But now my husband still thinks he can go out after work and stay out til 6 or 7 am playing poker when I’m stuck at home with no friends because its a new town for me. I have no one to talk to, I just eat and watch tv all day. The eating has gotten so bad that I constantly over eat and end up feeling really sick. (I weigh 120 pounds, so I’m not over weight. Yet.) Its really bringing me down and I can feel myself fighting the urge to cut myself and I hate that feeling. I’m just not as happy as I thought I would be. I’m getting angry at my husband over small things… I just don’t know any other way to cope since I don’t have any friends here. My husband doesn’t know how I feel right now, but its at the point where I cry for hours because I think I made a mistake…
October 31, 2013 at 12:24 am
Dari
I got married at 18 as well just in April. I have been suffering with depression and I notice how much it changes Our relationship. i cry almost every night and even though i know it isn’t his fault, i find myself blaming him for everything. My stress tripled when i got married, actually when we got engaged. One thing that helps me everyday is knowing that I’m beautiful, I’m worth it. On my wedding day we got into a huge fight, the biggest one we have ever had. I nearly left him at the altar. I ended up getting dehydrated and was throwing up all through the reception. Sometimes I wonder whether I made a mistake too…but I know that is just the depression talking. I too moved across the country and got married, actually within two weeks. I understand the pain and guilt of feeling like you made a mistake. Sometimes, when I can control my emotions a little better I see small reasons why I still love him. I know that marriage is hard work, we are all feeling it right now. I think this is the test for all of us. For me, I made a commitment and knowing that I love my husband, I couldn’t ever leave him. My husband still spends about 12-14 hours a day on the computer barely acknowledging me. I have practically no friends as well. One thing I have done is go to class and participate in programs that connect me with other people. Every woman deserves a wonderful man, I just think that we don’t understand the wonderful men we marry. At least in my case I feel more frustration and depression because my husband doesn’t have a job and I’ve been making the money while he kind of goofs around. I know I’m a stranger, but I know that you deserve happiness, we all do. Communicate with your husband your feelings, if he doesn’t understand then try to understand his point of view. We are all humans, imperfect. I just try and love as much as I can, even if it hurts sometimes. Hope this helps, I know talking about it helped me. Thank you for reading.
October 22, 2010 at 8:02 am
Jubi
What a fresh wind of comfort to know that I’m not alone with post-nuptial depression! I was googling newlywed depression and was brought here. I have been married 2 months now, but still feel a lurking sense of impending humiliation for the unknown future. My husband is a very smart man who has had inferiority issues all his life about his short height and plain appearance. I tried to make him feel better, but it seems he only feels significant when he can say that he’s at least better than me–intellectually, socially, economically, academically. His comments about my unsurprising clumsiness or forgetfulness are slowly eating me up. Instead of trying to build me up, I feel like he’s afraid I would excel him and make him feel worthless. I had been patiently taking in all the flak and even bearing with his condescending father. This resentment has been growing deep inside of me, and there were times when I wanted to run away. At best, I want to take vengeance by getting employed at some higher paying profession, or even go back to school for higher degrees. This can’t be healthy, but I feel like I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into marrying this man. Yet, I also know that I would very much prefer being his wife than being a single old woman without her own family all her life. I just need to live out the faith that I am loved not for my usefulness to others, but just for existing–as my husband put it. Now it has to become a matter of thankfully responding to such love with the desire to build and cultivate existing relationships. Thank you for sharing this page with me.
November 5, 2010 at 11:02 am
Hols
I got married on October 23rd to a man who never fails to try. I dated a lot before I got married and went through some really jerks. When I found Todd and he treated me so differently, I found it easy to relax around him and be myself. I could be honest about anything and I knew he would not leave me. Todd has seen the best and worse of me and still chosen to stay. I think that is the main reason I picked him. I so badly wanted that type of love and security from a man. We bought a house, got married, and have been so incredibly blessed….so why am I unhappy?? I think like many of you, I had some expectations about how I thought married life would be. I waited so long to find the guy and marry him that when I did, I felt let down. Is this it? Did I make the right decision? These are the questions that keep running through my mind. All I want to do is feel certain. I feel so alone in this feeling. I talked with him about it a couple days ago and I know to hear that I am unhappy, was a hard thing for him to shallow. Married life is not what I expected it to be. I have always been working towards something whether it be school work, house buying, wedding…now I feel like I have reached the end. I deffinately am not interested in the kid thing. I just so badly want to find some direction again. I want to keep some of myself.
December 18, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Amanda
Just reading everyone’s comments makes a world of difference to me. For 2 months now I have been wondering why I feel this way, when I have been soo blessed. I know getting married to my wonderful husband was the right thing and a good decision, but why am I now ruining it with my depression? No one told me it might be hard to accept my new role as a wife, that I might feel like I have to hold the world on my shoulders, that I have to take care of everything and try to live up to the great wife and mother my mom is, and please his family.
We both work, but I also try to take care of everything else..cooking, cleaning, shopping. I want to be the little house wife, but I work 50 hours a week. He doesn’t understand because he is willing to help with everything, he sees how stressed and upset I’m making myself but I can’t get through it. I argue, cry, feel worthless, not pretty enough and just put a damper on everything. Its not on purpose but I just can’t help it, I’m stuck in this rut.
We were married almost 1 year from the first time we met, so everything was real quick. I didn’t get to enjoy being engaged, enjoy or plan the wedding like I wanted to and we haven’t gone on the honeymoon yet, this march (4months later) cause planning the wedding was time crunched. It’s been 2 months and I’m exhausted so I’m going to get help and I’m confident it will work. Thank you for reading and good luck to you all.
December 20, 2010 at 10:24 pm
Me Too
We were married in March, and the first 5 months were terrible. The first couple days of the honeymoon were good, and after that, things just got worse and worse. I became very irritable. I was super emotional, and felt really depressed. In August things reached a low point. We were really distant. I seriously wondered how we could possibly make it. I tried really hard to be nicer, and it’s gotten a lot better since then.
I still feel depressed sometimes though. It kind of sucks because it feels like I’m not a person anymore. It’s like my husband thinks I shouldn’t have hobbies, and I should be an excellent homemaker. He gets upset because I don’t know how to organize our house. I’m not filthy, I just don’t know where to put things when they don’t have a place to go…and we’re living in a little house that doesn’t even have drawers in the kitchen! We both want to have kids, but he has all of these requirements I’m supposed to meet. Like, our house needs to be organized, and I’m supposed to start a business and have clients, etc. When he isn’t feeling well, he tells me he can’t imagine how he can have kids with me, because how will I ever manage to keep the house clean when we have kids…? I hate when he says that. I feel like he has totally unrealistic expectations about what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel so lonely! I used to have a lot of friends before I started dating him. How come I try so hard to make him happy, and he doesn’t do the same for me? It’s just hurdle after hurdle, and a lot of times marriage is nice, but a lot of times I just hate it. I hate that he wants to control me. I hate that he forgets that this is my life too. And then he’s so critical of me, and I feel even more depressed, and get less done, and I just get in trouble again.
I really want to be happy. I am SO sick and tired of being held responsible for things I don’t know how to do. When we were dating, we used to do home improvement projects together. A couple months after we got married, we bought a fourplex, and now I’m supposed to be becoming a property manager. I don’t know what I’m doing, though, so obviously everything takes more time and money than it would if I did know what I was doing.
I’ve gained some weight since we got married, and he keeps reminding me that he would really like me to lose weight. I’m not technically “overweight,” though–just to him.
I try so hard every day…but I just feel overwhelmed. I’m tired. He’s a pretty good guy, but I think he’s not very good at being my husband. I’m getting tired of all of the criticism. I don’t want to be single. I want us to be happily married. But isn’t anything ever good enough? When I ask him that, he says I’m good enough, but even if something’s good enough, of course you’re going to want better. That sucks.
Is this how my life is going to be? Is this what I was looking forward to? I want to go sleep for a month. Or a year.
December 21, 2010 at 11:09 am
Depressed & Worried
I was living an hour away from my fiancée when we were engaged, and only got to see him on weekends, so I’ve been looking forward to living with him for a long time. Then 2 weeks ago I moved in. We’re essentially married, but are still planning the ceremony, so we have that stress hanging over us. I love him and do everything that I can for him. I get up early with him and help him get ready for work. I cook and clean more than I ever have before. I try to understand his hobbies and jobs, and I try to be upbeat and optimistic. Over the last week or so, though, I’ve felt like I’m not doing a good enough job. Sometimes he gets annoyed with the topics I bring up to talk about. He gets annoyed with my ignorance in some areas. He wants me to try and do things, but when I try and understand and ask questions I just drive him crazy. I feel like I spend my time with him trying to make sure I don’t say anything wrong. Usually when he gets upset with me we resolve things somewhat fairly quickly, but lately I’ve felt that he probably shouldn’t subject himself to someone who drives him crazy for the rest of his life. He says that overall I do make him happy and am worth having around, but I have been having my doubts. Now I sleep all the time, am tired all the time, just want to eat all the time, and never want to have sex. He even gets annoyed that I’m so tired all the time. I feel like I should leave now before we’re legally stuck with each other. I think I may have to talk to him about this sometime, but I’m afraid of how he’ll react. I’m trying to figure out if this depression will go away of if I need to get out before it’s too late.
January 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Susan Allen
Wow…I just started searching online for my symptoms and found this whole postnuptual depression thing! I’m on my second marriage, having been widowed in 2008 at the age of 38. I am SO blessed just like how others say they have been. I have NO regrets but I am becoming increasingly depressed as time wears on. Between sinus issues this fall, now commuting 45 minutes when I used to commute 2 miles and my husband is away so much during the week working hard in his new promotion, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself…yea…I could clean, crafts, cook, go to the library, go out with friends, but I really don’t feel like any of it. Then, when he’s finally home, I am too sullen to want to really connect or go out, etc. I have to tell him the truth and ask for his support to get through this. God Bless you all…your marriages are such a blessing and you made your choices for a reason. I wonder if we all just need to know WHO we are now that life has changed so much. What do WE want separate from the “WE” of a couple and what would make us fulfilled and happy so that we can bring that centeredness and joy back into the relationship. Thanks for all your posts!!
March 4, 2011 at 1:12 pm
SHELLY
I am so glad to read that I am not the only person going through this. I have suffered from depression my whole life but it’s never been this bad or lasted this long (of course not counting my mother’s death where I was depressed for 6 months).
It’s gotten to the point where I start wondering why I got married because I start thing of past issues and arguments that we had prior to marriage.
My dad left when I was a baby (leaving 4 sick kids behind to be with the “other woman”) and I get afraid that will happen to me and then I find myself depressed about something that didn’t even happen and probably never will.
I can’t help the way I feel….it’s just there and it’s there 24/7.
April 27, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Vinny
WOW! All I can say is that reading this article and all these comments have given me such an overwhelming sense of relief! I’ve been trying to figure out what’s happened to me recently and I just Googled “post-honeymoon blues” and found this!!
Now, I’m not married yet but I am engaged. My fiance and I have had a long-distance relationship the ENTIRE time (he lives in Denver, CO and I’m in DC) since we met. We met in July ’10 online, and from then til January of this year we’ve only seen eachother in person twice (for a grand total of 20 days).
We started out on the best of terms, the whole “so-in-love” thing; all the typical definitions of how you feel when you’re just starting out as a couple.
But lately (for the past 2-3 weeks) I’ve had this crushing (and frankly debilitating) sense of unhappiness and depression towards him and our relationship. I’ve had absolutely NO clue where it was stemming from and I’ve thought that I’m literally going crazy. I’ve been having these extreme emotional bouts: bawling for no reason (anything can set me off), snapping at him when we talk over the phone, being terse and short when we text, and generally having no desire to talk to him or anything. I’ve been swinging from this depression to occasional sparks of those first feelings of passion. It’s been taking over my life really.
We’ve been planning for months for me to move out to Denver to be with him but I’ve started to grow apprehensive for no reason. HE hasn’t changed at all; in fact last night after I left my class to call him (yeah, I LEFT CLASS, crazy huh? smh) and I started to cry and whatnot, he said that it’s all been in my head. That nothing’s wrong with him; he loves me just as much as when we first met, and that he has NO clue as to why I’m “being so irrational”. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just being scared of the loss of the passion I had in the beginning of the relationship, coupled with the fact that I’m isolated out here (no real friends and no family, and I HATE my roommate with whom I share an apartment), and the fact that I haven’t seen him in almost 6 months.
Anyways, since I’ve now pinpointed the cause of my loss of mental clarity I finally feel genuinely hopeful. Hopefully I can pull myself out of this horrid funk (or at least try to) and keep in mind that this is only a temporary stage, and also remember why I fell in love with him the first place. Besides, HE hasn’t changed, it’s all in MY head, sheesh.
I’m glad that I’m not alone though…..now I just gotta hang on until June gets here *sigh* One more month, only one more month *crosses fingers desperately* >_<
June 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm
just married
I just got married a week ago and have been feeling depressed ever since. I have been treated by a physician for depression in the past and currently taking medication that helped me until now. I had a hard time letting go of my maiden name. ( My now husband would tell me if I didn’t take his name he wouldn’t marry me). We have been together for 5 years and living together for 2, nothing has changed, I cannot understand why I am feeling this way. Is there anyone else feeling this way? I am hoping this is just a stage I am going through. Alot of people who see me know are always calling me mrs and by my new last name but I just smile so they don’t see if bothers me, but it does.
August 23, 2011 at 2:24 pm
sad and confused
Hi “Just Married” I got married in may and then on my honeymoon fell and was stuck at home for an additional 4 weeks. One may think it’s awesome but I couldn’t go any where or even move. I finally went and did the whole name change thing so we could cash our checks and pay the bills and had a mental break down. My last initial stayed the same so when people asked me to spell my last name (for signing shipments and such) I would stutter “its Kkkkk..kkk..kk…” and then shout “I don’t know” . It was so hard adjusting to everything and trying to change to my new name. Also feeling like I was saying goodbye to my family since I was just dropping their name. I completely understand what you’re going though. I feel the same. Hope this helps in any way.
July 6, 2011 at 7:57 am
Back to basics
How wonderful to know that there are other woman feeling the same way. I got married on the 26th of March. My husband and I dated for a year(long distance), but knew each other for 3 years. Since I met him, he has been my Romeo, I won’t be able to live without him. Thing is, I get times when I feel like I can run away.
Because we were in a long distance relationship, we never really had time to get to know each others family and friend. Fact is that we come out of two different places. This is making me sick to the bone. Small things, example: I hate being late, and he has all the time in the world. How do you ever make peace with that?
Some days I can’t wait to see him, other days I don’t even care. I snap at every chance I get. And because I am being such a grumpy ugly person, I feel like he deserves better. I have also gained some weight, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. I think this might be the reason for me not being interested in making love. How can he love me? I am constantly being rude, arguing, getting cross over nothing and treating him like a pig, and above all, how can he want to make love to me after I have gained a few pounds?
I try my best in being a good wife, I get up first in the morning, give him his clothes, make coffee, make his breakfast, make him a lunchbox for work, make the bed and then go to work. When I get back from work I make supper, trying my best to make it a great supper. Then we take a shower, and by then I just want to go to bed and sleep. Sometimes he tries to fool around, but most of the time I don’t reall feel like that. And this is where the bad wife comes in. I try so hard being a good wife, but I fail being a fun and happy wife, always ready to fool around and understanding.]
So I guess I have post-nuptial-depression. Fact is: I LOVE MY HUSBAND, I JUST NEED TO GET CONTROL OF MYSELF!!! We can’t let this get us down. Let us get back to basics, fall in love from scratch, try to remember what it is that makes our hearts beating!!!
August 15, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Wrenn
Wow! I finally know what has been going for nearly 13 years! Right after my husband and I got married I spent a lot of time crying, wondering what i done. I missed my freedom. At times I still miss my freedom. But I married a great man. We have spent time in counseling and seem to be on an upswing. I am learning to do my own my thing again and that it is OK I can still be ME and be married.
I just wish I had know 13 years ago what what was going on. I could have found support and adjusted sooner. I could have found support to work through my anxiety.
I recommend that if you have close friends, stay in touch. That is one mistake I made. I lost touch with my friends. But I am working on reconnecting. It helps. You need friends!
August 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm
sad and confused
So reading all of this and feeling like I’m not so crazy now…does anyone have any suggestions or ways to help get through this without therapy? I just feel so sad that my big life event is over and we tried to rush and do it in 8 months so my grandma could be there but she past away 2 weeks before the big day. I really am having a hard time with this and feel silly telling my friends and family. Just hoping it goes away…
September 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm
Victoria
Keeping yourself busy and pushing yourself to do things on your own will help a lot. It is something I struggle with (though I never did before).
I always feel better when I return from a night out with the girls or a workout at the gym.
September 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Grace
I am so grateful for this website!!! My husband and I just got married in March and I have been very depressed for the past two months. We just bought a house and we had lived together for two years before. This has been one of the most confusing times in my life ever! I’m just scared that I made a mistake and now I can’t take it back. I love this man to death and I would do anything for him. I have been getting counseling and it is getting a little better but it’s just hard because he doesn’t understand and I feel like he thinks that I don’t love him. But it is sooo great to see similar posts to the way I am feeling. Thank you for that. ❤ ❤
March 26, 2012 at 10:45 am
Sad one
I got married one mth ago and its crazy how I feel I love my husband and I know hes the one for me but just dont get why I feel this way it sucks dont want to do anything anymore 😦
September 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm
Victoria
Grace, Same here!
This site makes me feel so much better. I, too, got married in March and have been dealing with all these feelings. I just wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself! It’s terrible.
It seems like this depression really comes and goes. I feel like I don’t know what my purpose is in life now and I don’t know if children will be part of that picture.
My husband is doing his best to understand. I went to counseling briefly, but think I should go back.
I will keep checking back for sure.
October 18, 2011 at 12:23 pm
sayr
I can really relate to all you wonderful woman, and this blog made me feel so good!Just to know that this is a common and normal reaction after a wedding calms me down. I can’t believe that one out of ten brides experience this, but we hear so little about it.
I believe that post-nuptial depression deserves much acknowledgement and should definitely be defined as a common depression alongside fx. post-natal depressions. I got married in August and since my wedding, I’ve been so low and feeling confused/empty inside and as if all my hopes and dreams for the future was gone. I have a wonderful husband, and should be the happiest person in the world right after my marriage, but I’ve been feeling so low ever since the wedding. It is not that I’m missing the attention, excitement etc. from the wedding, it is caused by the stress and pressure I’ve put on myself for several months leading up to my wedding.
Post-nuptial depression is definitely a stress related depressive illness that can and should be treated, as you would with post-natal depression. It’s a curse of the strong, powerful and ambitious brides!
I will definitely follow this site…
Best of luck ladies ❤
October 26, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Sofy
I can’t believe so many feel lie I do. I got married a couple months ago, honeymoon was a real let down… it was like it was a vacation to him to do what he liked not our time..so it was lonely. Then, and he is a sweet and loving guy, I found out we had serious financial issues he had not shared because he was embarrassed, and so the money I had as a cushion to move to his state etc… is gone. He feels awful, but I feel worse… I just lost that sense of security, you know? I am in his home area, so I am totally alone and everyone expects me to be so happy. I hardly leave the home anymore, I don’t take the time for me to pretty up as I used to in the mornings, I feel … I don’t even have words. I am totally disenchanted and have lost my fight.
March 22, 2012 at 4:50 pm
wedding-day blues
I got married about a week ago. Our seven month old daughter cried during the ceremony, and I ended up having to hold her during our vows! Despite the fact there were 10 other adults there with children, no-one seemed to know what to do! She also was very unsettled during the dinner afterwards, and my husband and I spent most of the dinner trying to feed her and settle her, while everyone sat and watched us! Although it was our choice to have our daughter at the wedding and not have a babysitter, I feel a bit angry and hurt that we were so pre-occupied during the dinner, I barely had a chance to speak to anyone!
The day after the wedding, I spent the whole day in the hotel room in tears! Now, just feel sad and down. Has anyone else had a similar experience??
So interesting to see that a wedding day may not be everything it is cracked up to be! Our wedding was simple, but still turned out to be complicated!
May 19, 2012 at 10:54 am
ScottishBride
I am so glad to see I’m not alone. I do believe these feelings are natural and all part of the transition. Please go and check out http://www.conscious-transitions.com. It’s a website dedicated to this. It’s helping me immensely. It will help you too.
June 8, 2012 at 9:06 am
The Housedaughter
Thanks to all for the supportive words, and sharing what you are going through. I feel the same way. Married in May, and things have not been quite right in our relationship. Things were great the day after. We were so happy, and then it slowly started to wear away. I guess reality sunk in. A month in, and I started feeling anger towards my in-laws and husband for no apparent reason. I feel that my husband is feeling somewhat the same way – disappointment, stress – and he is not able to and is unwilling to try to verbalize it. It never seems to be a good time to talk about it. I am likely even the cause of his unhappiness. I feel terribly guilty about not being able to be happy, and not being able to socialize as much as him with his friends. I am also employed only part-time, and waiting for graduate school to start. We are still unsure of our living situation next year, and might opt to live apart because neither us is willing or able to commute. I am upset because I tried so hard to accommodate everyone, including myself, in choosing a graduate school so that we could be together, and yet, it is causing even more stress in our relationship (buying a house/renting with this new debt because of my grad school). I am going to the park now because it is a sunny day, but honestly, it’s a good day if I can get out of the house by noon. I’ve lost my appetite, and have been tearing up every night and every morning for the past few days. I am ENCOURAGED to see that the owner of this blog has celebrated her second anniversary, so Mazel!
June 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm
julie
Omg…this is how I feel. edging me crazy. I love my new husband. he makes me so happy ..then why am I so sad
June 21, 2012 at 9:24 am
Julie
wow, so glad I am not the only one. I am so in love with my husband and I could not be happier!…so I cant figure out why I am so sad. I feel like Im going crazy. I just want life to slow down and let me love my new husband. since weve returned from our honeymoon it has been total crazyness. Jumped back into work right away, and work is crazy…every weekend has been something major…I just want to lay in his arms and look into his eyes and just take each other in for a minute!!!
June 21, 2012 at 9:25 am
Julie
Oh and weve only been married for 6 weeks
July 17, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Sammyjo
I was so pleased to read all these reports – I thought I was completely crazy! I got married 3 months ago to the kindest man but I woke up 3 days ago feeling so depressed. I cried all the way to work for the last 3 days – this is not like me at all. I’m trying to figure out what has got into me and see why I have completely lost the plot. I don’t want to talk to him about it – I just want to be left alone. The last thing I want to do is sabotage our relationship and it feels like that is just what I’m doing. I feel as if now that we are married he is going to get tired of me really quickly – when we were dating it was fine because he CHOSE to be with me -but now he HAS to be. It’s a crazy way to think and we are still newlyweds – my husband can’t understand where this has all come from – and neither can I.
August 10, 2012 at 4:10 am
Kate
I feel so lost. I’ve been married for just 3 months and I’m depressed. I recently went on antidepressants for PMDD. My gynecologist said my emotional outbreaks that occur before my period are related to underlying feelings I have and that I need to see a therapist. I was resistant at first, but now I realize it is my husband and married life. I sleep a lot and haven’t been keeping up with the house work. I heard the first year of marriage can be tough, but I didn’t know about newlywed depression. I didn’t think anything would change since we lived together, but it has. My husband seems to be very controlling lately and it is making me shut down. He is acting fatherly and getting mad at me for sleeping late and making comments about my eating habits. I have tried talking to him about it, but he is still doing it. I’m not perfect, but he knew who I was before we got married. So why is he acting like this?
August 31, 2012 at 4:48 pm
M&M Porter
Thanks, everybody. I really hadn’t wanted to acknowledge I was depressed, but it sounds like that’s exactly what’s happening. My husband & I exchanged vows just over 1 week ago (10 days exactly), but I don’t remember feeling this miserable. I thought it was because I was lonely, and missing him (we’ve maintained a long-distance relationship for 4 1/2 years), but it’s because I feel like I married someone that changed right before my eyes! I told him what kind of Wedding I’d dreamed about: nothing fancy, simple but romantic was just fine with me. I didn’t get that; in fact, I got the pragmatic verson. We said our vows in front of a Minister, and had to make trips back and forth from his office to the building where the Marriage License was issued. I was so blue that day, I burst into tears about 1 1/2 hours before the big moment. I’m old enough to admit this is perhaps one of the dumber mistakes I’ve probably made, but I’m too stubborn and embarrassed to admit it openly and quit.
September 5, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Kate
I feel the same way and I too feel embarrassed that I married someone who doesn’t make me happy. I went to my therapist and I came to the conclusion that I need space from my husband in order to sort out my feelings. I finally told him tonight how I feel and he is upset, but it had to be said. Try not to feel embarrassed and find someone you trust to talk to. You have to stand up for yourself in order for your marriage to have a fighting chance.
Katie
September 2, 2012 at 10:34 pm
Mary
My husband seems distant. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being super emotional. We’ve been married for almost 7 months…I haven’t even sent out my thank you notes which makes me feel horrible. I just don’t have the energy nor the patience. I married my bestfriend, he’s perfect but I can honestly say i feel like he honestly doesn’t love me. Which is crazy because at the same time i know he does. I avoid friends and social functions. I feel like a complete burden to my in laws. It’s straining our relationship, he doesnt even kiss me goodnight anymore. I miss him, us. Me. It’s nice to know im not alone.
October 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Lynn
Mary, I’m feeling the same thing. I’m reading these posts on a Friday night after he left to go to our friend’s and I stayed home alone because we fought instead of talking about what was going on. We’ve been married just over two months. He turned into a different person from the day we married. Are things improving for you?
September 6, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Victoria
I got married in October 2011. Did not get a chance to have a honeymoon yet due to commitments such as new job and Grad school. We always had our share of arguments, we dated 5 yrs, lived together 3 yrs & purchased our home before marriage. Its now almost 8 yrs total, no kids. Love & faith always kept us together. A few weeks after our wedding, I started feeling rejected, unwanted. I actually cried the night of our wedding, I guess I realized that I was scared. He could not understand why I was crying. It’s now almost a year and every month that went by things only getting worse. He packed and left twice, stating our arguments were not healthy and space/ time would help. We have gone too counciling and I have put both feet forwards a solution, but I feel he has not. Last week after our therapy session, we agreed to stop fighting, name calling and drinking. All was going good until he decided to spend a day out on his own Saturday and stay out & return the following day in the afternoon. I had a huge problem with his actions which led to huge fight and him leaving. We have not spoken or seen each other since Tuesday. I wondering if he even wants to be with me. We have threatened each other with divorce and separation. I feel betrayed, abandoned after he left. Should I just follow through and file for divorce? Or am I giving up too soon? I feel he always has 1 foot out the door. As far as intimacy, which declined throughout our almost 8 yrs relationship. Especially after our wedding. Once a month is too much, and its up too him and when & how he wants too. I have tried seducing him and was turned away, which made me feel worse. And I walked in on him masterbating while watching porn on his lap top. I felt soo hurt, he apologized and said it was not me. Soo many weekends especially in the past few months were spent with silent treatment, sleeping in separate beds, no intimacy. I have expressed my concerns about these issues from the start and he would just say it would pass but it has only gotten worst. He ends up leaving and hanging out with his friends who are mostly dating/ & or single and comes home whatever time it pleases him. I feel he is not trying enough. I asked him a few times if we can take a long weekend vacation away and focus on us 2. Have a honeymoon that we never had. Although he agrees, he takes not innitative and when I present him my detail plans he sounds not interested or motivated? I don’t think he wants to be here. Should I do him the favor and let him go? I love him sooo much and cannot see myself living apart from him. But I feel as if I’m the only one who feels this way. He says I’m the most important person in his life but I don’t feel this way. Not sure what to do. I also have not sent my thank you cards or even picked out the pictures for our album. I get sad just thinking about things changed after that day.
September 7, 2012 at 11:23 am
Anab
Divorce. You do not love him “so much” … you are stuck with the familiar and scared to move on. If you loved each other “so much” it would not be like it is. It is call codependency. Just free yourself and him. You won’t know if he (and you) really want each other under these conditions. No kids right now is a blessing. If you had life troubles and stress caused this…maybe you could believe there is love left… but you two are just making each other miserable. Was this needy woman who he fell in love with… or him as he is ….??….no. be the hero of the relationship and change locks, ask him to move with his friends, and move on. How much more misery do you need?
September 13, 2012 at 7:18 am
Tina
I have been married for 4 months and nearly every day I have wondered if I have made a mistake. I got divorced a year and a half ago from a man who was very self centered andspiritually and emotionally abusive. My new marriage to my current husband seemed to be all the good things that I never had before but in reality I have a new set of problems. For example on Sunday I overslept and we missed the early service at church. No biggie I thought we can just go to the second service. But he was angry and said that the whole day was ruined and that he was’t even going to go at all now. We had no other plans for the day and I get up at 430 for work so I think I really needed to sleep in. He shuts down and won’t talk to me. Last night he was on fb when I was trying to talk to him. He wouldn’t even make eye contact with me and said that he was doing his thing on fb-talking to people but he couldn’t talk to me. He is also in a band and gets drunk everytime they play. He thinks I am out of it since I don’t get drunk. He does do things around the house which is what I never had before but he gets attitudes and won’t talk to me or he stays int he garage drinking beer. Is he immature or an alcoholic. He refuses to go to a counselor. He hates it when I say that I miss him when he goes and plays with the band-and that I want to keep him away from his friends. And he is 50 years old! He moved from another state to be with me and marry me. Do I just need to give it time for adjustment or what?
October 6, 2012 at 6:31 pm
Tired of this
This is right where I am at! I just got married in May and have been an emotional wreck ever since. The first month was nice then everything started to go down hill after that. At first I thought it may be my BC pills. then i went off of that for a month and i still feel the same way. I feel like I have lost my independence lost my identity. Married life is not like the movies or fairy tales. I go back in forth in my mind on a weekly basis asking myself if i have made the right choice. If married life is for me. If he and I met and got married too soon. He is a wonderful man. He is so caring and he just wants the best for us but i often feel as though i am bringing us down. I am constantly negative. I have a negative word for everything and I pick fights and am always lethargic about everything. I used to run before we were married. I used to be active and have hobbies. Now i go to work and come home and veg on the sofa. I have even put on weight.
I am just glad that its not just me that is going thru this.
October 18, 2012 at 7:41 am
wholesoulconsciousness
I have been going through the same thing since I got married in August of this year. I have gained ten pounds and my husband only recently made a comment about how I’ve gained weight. I balled my head off because I never thought he would say anything about it to me. He didn’t comment to hurt me he only said it because he knows I’m sinking and thinks that if I start working out again than everything will go back to normal, maybe he’s afraid I will turn obese or turn into a lazy couch potato, I don’t know.
With the depression I feel like my entire life or everything about me has changed, not in a bad way but I feel like something was taken away from me or altered beyond repair. I don’t know if I will ever feel like myself again and I can’t explain this to him because he will feel like it’s his fault and want to fix it when he can’t.
I was very spiritually strong and knew who I was before I got married, I had a routine and goals to open a successful business and I was really going places in my life, now I don’t do a damn thing but try to figure out what the heck happened to me.
I cry over stupid things alot and I am starting to have a short fuze with my husband, hes always in my space, always asking me what’s wrong, always looking at me like I’m an alien and I dread him coming home from work to ask me what I did that day because I can’t say I did anything very productive.
I feel like i’m losing ME and I am having a really hard time adjusting to being married. I’m still in shock everytime my husband pays the bill, pays the rent, and forks out money for everything without batting an eye, it really overwhelmes me. I have a great husband and I love him to peices but I’m afraid that if I don’t figure out my problem and be the woman he married again than I will damage my marriage.
Thank you for sharing your feelings, I haven’t seen any other information on post marriage depression and I’m happy that I clicked on your blog. I had no idea that so many women were experiencing the same feelings.
Faye
October 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Birdie
Hello everyone, I read this crying, all your comments are so real and I connect with them deeply.
I am just back from 3 week tropical honeymoon. It was bliss and now I come home realising we needed the megabucks we spent on the wedding and honeymoon for house repairs and living costs. I feel so angry and stupid but my husband wanted the big wedding. Whilst on honeymoon I saw couples getting married on the beach, this is what I wanted, it would have been a lot cheaper and I wouldn’t be haunted by the things that went wrong on our wedding day – particularly the lack of help from bridesmaids and my groom spending too much time outside with guests when I needed him greeting evening guests with me.
I suffered very bad clinical depression around 2008-9 when my mum, who was my best friend died. The symptoms were as described, I couldn’t work or leave the house. Turning the washing machine on was even too much.
I’m scared of getting like this again. Where I live there is bad weather and much darkness.
I have a therapist who has helped me a lot but I can’t afford to pay for enough sessions.
I am becoming self employed and getting work is a fight. In my other job I’m over worked and badly underpaid. I spent all of mt 20’s studying but it hasn’t paid off.
I’ve spent last two days back from honeymoon crying, sleeping and looking at photos and webcam of the beach where we stayed.
My heart aches to be back.
Sending my heartfelt wishes to you all xx
November 6, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Stephanie
I have been married for over 3 years now and our marriage is still in the newlywed depression stage, sad to say. My husband has battled depression and anxiety problems for 5 years, unbeknownst to me, and we have finally started seeing a therapist a month ago. It’s funny to read blogs about how much sex is too much when you first get married, but I’d just like a kiss hello right now. My husbands undiagnosed problems contributed to my PND and professional help is really the only way we will both get better and move past all the previous hurt/pain. There are lots of us out here with these issues, so spread the word to friends and family.
November 26, 2012 at 2:55 pm
bridget
Okay, I don’t feel like such a horrible person anymore, after reading these. I just got married late September. All of the planning I guess stressed me out to the point that I had a grand mal seizure in my sleep, with my fiance at the time, in my sleep just 5 days before the wedding. I was fine, took my medicine like I was supposed, just felt a lil off that week. The night before the wedding we were hanging out in my fiance’s room, along with his groomsmen and my sisters. My sister and her husband are who I met him thru. That night we had been drinking, and some random girls showed up outside their room, and started to hang out. I got upset at my fiance then, telling him he should have had them leave. And asking him if that was what happened those guys nights away. I got very upset. I knew he didn’t know them and he wasn’t the one who invited them, but still I felt hurt. Next day all good, we got married! It turned out beautiful, and I can’t believe how fast the day flew by. Went on our honeymoon, fun! Got home, and now I feel useless.
Because of my seizure I am unable to drive, so I need rides to my part time job I have as a waitress. I hate my job and want to quit so bad, but he keeps saying we can when I am able to drive again. I am in this slump and I cannot get out of it. I don’t know what’s going on. If he goes out with his friends, which he doesn’t do too often, but he plays softball every week. So he sees his boys often enough. When he is with them its like I do not exist. I have no motivation to do anything. I tried starting on our thank you cards but I cannot get motivated enough to finish them. I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to go to work, and when people want to do things, I try to make up an excuse to stay home and do nothing. I truly hope this passes. I don’t like feeling like I already am a horrible wife or that this marriage is gonna be a down fall to me.. Divorce with us will not be an option. Unless someone strays or gets voilent. Old fashioned in that sense…
November 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm
bridget
I feel a little better knowing I am not weird. I got married just 2 months ago, and the planning was extremely stressful… I am not usually a stressed kind of person, but because of it all, somehow it caused me to have a grand mal seizure, 5 days before our wedding, in my sleep with my fiance. I did not have health insurance, but we went to the ER after he called 911 and had an ambulance sent. This whole ordeal cost us a great deal of money. Our1st true money matter as a married couple. I have been on medicine since before our wedding and been ok, I guess. The nght before our wedding, we were all hanging out in my husbands room, along with his friends and my sisters, part of our wedding party. We were drinking having a good time and these random girls come to the room outside in the back, on the lawn. I was a little annoyed, and my guy saw that, he didn’t tell them to leave, I got upset, yes I know, over reacted, but it was supposed to be our time sharing with OUR friends and family,not some random girls! Also, it made me wonder if that was the kind of thing that happens on their “boys nights out”… I mean, he can’t tell some girls to get the heckout? Whatever, I got a little to upset, had been stressingout about everything, then this the night before our wedding. The next day we got married, I apologized for over reacting. We went on our honeymoon had a blast, came home then back to reality.
I don’t know whats going on, but I feel as if I am not enough for him. He plays softball with his friends every week, and I know that he loves that, I try to be supportive. He has these tournaments he plays in sometimes also, or they will go out of town each year for them as well. He doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist when he is with his friends though, or it seems on my side of things. I feel that before we got married, he was my best friend, he would call me 1st to share things with me, whether he was telling me something he was excited about, venting about work, or even something his friend had done, everything. I really thought after getting married this would continue, or even happen more, but now I feel as if I am more of a burden.
Since my seizure, I am unable to drive, I do work, part time as a waitress, but I hate my boss. He is a cruel chinese man who seems to have no heart, but I cannot go looking for anything else, since I am dependent on my rides from my husband or my family… I am in this rut and feel so alone even though I live with my hsuband and have a loving and caring family I could turn to. I feel lost, hopeless, almost like I have no purpose. I do not enjoy doing things with my girl friends when I do have the chance when they are free, I try to make excuses to stay home. I truly hope this down feeling passes, because I used to be such an outgoing, fun loving girl… Now I feel like a total debbie downer… 😦
November 27, 2012 at 7:32 am
Tina
Bridget, getting married is very stressful and you have additional stressors health-wise. Sometimes seizures and the meds that are needed to prevent further seizures can have side effects such as fatigue and depression. I would do a search and see what comes up and talk to your doctor. And I think it would be helpful to see a counselor. You doctor could probably recommend one or there might be one on staff at the same clinic.
You need to really focus on taking care of you right now. It sounds like your husband is struggling with the grown up responsiblities of being married too by acting like he is a single again and hanging with his friends and ignoring you. Your seizure probably scared him and he was not prepared to have to take care of you in this way. He needs to get into counselling too but don’t wait for him if he won’t go-get yourself there asap.
Hope this helps.
Tina
November 27, 2012 at 9:11 am
bridget
Thanks Tina. I guess it can be a side effect of depression for a small number of people, and fatigue and weird feelings are pretty common. I had a seizure when I was 18, was on meds for about a year then took me off, everything was fine, up until right before the wedding. Really I think I am just in this slump. After all of the planning, so much stuff to do, seems like practically NO down time to myself or me and my husband. Yes we went on a honeymoon, but you come back and back to reality. I’ll feel down for like a day then back to normal, as soon as I perk up or talk to someone. I guess married life right away you just figure would be all flowers and sunshine, and mostly it is actually. Just feel like we’re already losing the romance. I guess being so comfortable is way awesome, he’s the one i wanted to marry, the one I can always feel like myself with.
Do you really think counceling would help? I never wanted to have to go talk with a counselor, but if I have a real problem I would be all about it. I do know having that seizure did scare him, he told me he thought he lost me that night. I can only imagine how that was for him… He is such a caring man, he is the one person I know was meant for me. Its just when he gets with his friends, he acts like he’s not into me, lately anyways. I guess that can be pretty normal for some guys, but he never used to be this way. That is kind of my problem and it makes me feel even more lost. Thanks Tina, just reading these things makes me feel better… 🙂
November 27, 2012 at 10:15 am
claire
Since getting married 2 months ago i’ve been feeling really low. we’ve been together for 11 years, and have lived together for 3 years. When we first moved in together I absolutely hated it! We argued all the time and seperated for a while. I think this was because I was used to living alone, and really enjoyed my independance and solitude. Maybe i need to recognise that i’m not great with change, and it takes me a while to ‘get my head around things’.
I think another reason i feel so depressed since getting married is that my best friend of 12 years (we have been through everything together) didn’t turn up on the day of my wedding. I recieved a text 2 hours before the event telling me she had got really drunk the night before and missed the train! She didn’t even have the decency to call! I am so hurt by this, as i have supported her through heartbreak, miscarriage, family deaths, and her brother comitting suicide. I really don’t think i can ever forgive her for not coming. I only had a really small wedding of only 12 people, who I considered the most important and loved. I cried about this on the honeymoon. Since i got back i have only spoken to her once, she said she was sorry but i think the damage has already been done. I am truly bereft as she is really my only friend. I know best friends don’t grow on trees but i really can’t forgive her, for whatIi feel is a terrible betrayal.
What if i never find another best friend? My husband is lovely, but he is really busy with a new job, and running around after his 3 children. We havn’t really spent any quality time together since getting married. I’m a nurse and have to work a weekends to earn decent money. so therefore i feel awful about telling him how depressed i feel. I have also put on all the weight i lost for the wedding, which is making me feel ugly.
My husband is 20 years older than me, and as he already has 3 kids, has had a vasectomy and is adamant he doesn’t want any more. I met him when i was only 23 and have never wanted children… until recently. Now i am married EVERYONE is asking me if i’m going to have children. I am so tired and depressed with having to deal with all these questions. I really would love to have a child of my own but i know this is not possible, and with everyone going on about it all the time is really adding to my feelings of loneliness and depression. The fact that everywhere I turn someone is pregnant, has just had a baby or planning one does not help one bit. If anyone else says to me ‘you’ll be next’, I will scream! Because I know I can never have a child. Why is it that as a woman you have to justify your existence by having children? And if you don’t you are made to feel like a freak? I can’t help thinking to myself ‘is this it?’. I cant talk to anyone about any of my problems, as I feel like such a failure, and I know people will just say ‘well you knew he did’nt want kids’. I feel very bad as we do have a nice life, and are best friends. I should be grateful and count my blessings, but I just don’t know what to do.
November 27, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Tina
I’ve had best friends and family hurt me bad too but for every single one of us and we will all get hurt sometime, we have to choose to forgive whether we ever feel like it or not. Hanging on to unforgiveness keeps us in bondage. We forgive so we can be free. It sounds like your friend really felt bad about missing your wedding and that she didn’t do it on purpose. Maybe she felt sad about losing you to your husband and thought that things would be different now with you and her. Your relationship could grow even stronger when you work through this. Don’t give up on her! Best friends are not so easy to find.
I think you need to talk to your husband about your desire for kids. It is so normal to want them after you get married and not before. There is something about a legal union between a man and a woman that brings outs the maternal genes in us.That’s how it was to me. There are things that can be done medically to reverse his vascectomy-not sure it’s 100% guaranteed to work though. It’s OK to feel different about kids now-don’t fight it. Go with it and see where it leads. There are many babies without parents that need a home too you know.
Blessings, Tina
December 27, 2012 at 9:23 am
Too late
Boy am I glad I found this site. My husband and I got married this passed July and I thought I was ok up until a little over a month ago. Right now I’m a walking short fuse. Everything irritates me! We’ve been together 9 years, living together for 4. It hasn’t been a smooth ride. Since the beginning I’ve been doing the majority of all the compromising, living closer to HIS work
(takes me an hour to go to work so 2 hours of commuting), getting loans for his “career” plans that went down the drain and that we are still paying for, taking the backseat when it comes to sports (if there’s a game on forget about doing Anything together), doing the cleaning yet still working and commuting 55 hours a week… In-laws: yuck! ………..
All that to say I have Major resentment! He’s a great guy but I feel like he’s not for me and that I’ve just wasted 10 years of my life. I always wanted kids but if one more person asks me “if we’re planning…” I will blow up! I feel like I married a teenager! Can you imagine being married to a Teenager!?! My twenties flew by and I’m so scared my thirties will and I’ll be stuck in the same situation.
I could write for hours, but I won’t. Sadly I think I know my answer, I just need to find the courage to say the words…
Best of luck to all of you!
December 27, 2012 at 10:25 am
bridget
OMG! Do men never grow up? Do they just not listen? I mean, I LOVE watching sports, but he is starting to make me not enjoy them as much because if there is anything, any sport of any sort on, I am not alive anymore. I try to say a word to him, he doesn’t listen to me. We have only been together not even 3 years, married 3 months. I am so annoyed right now and know he’s a great guy, but just wish, he would put me ahead of all other things. His friends call, i get dropped in a second, and he’s gone. I did not sign up for this. We are supposed to be a team, and I already feel like we act like an old married couple. Feels like the way he ignores me and doesn’t listen to me and I am such a low priority is already a bad sign I have tried to talk tohim and he says he will work on this, but nothing changes. Ifeel miserable already.. Does this ever end?
December 27, 2012 at 11:17 am
Too late
Some people kept telling me (myself included) that it could be worse, like gamblers, abusive, alcoholics, cheaters… But after so many years of dealing with this addiction, for him sports IS an addiction, I have become a very bitter person! He’s a huge hockey fan and I mean HUGE. He doesn’t only root for the home team he’ll watch almost all games. NHL, juniors name it he saw it. He also plays on 3-4 teams which means 3 nights a week minimum (where I don’t see him at all).
He even travels to Europe for tournaments! Meanwhile, I used to have to beg to go away somewhere with him.
Also there’s hockey pools, pool S not pool, more then one. Lets say we’re out eating at a restaurant, he’ll check his phone numerous times as if there’s a national emergency!
Even with the NHL players being on strike we can always count on the NFL because he also loves football. There are several football pools as well.
And we cannot forget the trusty old Playstation!
You’ve probably watched the movie The Breakup, yep that’s us! Kill me NOW!
When did men stop being men? If only he focused some of that energy on other things like a career and figuring out what he wants to do with his life!
So much resentment I don’t know what to do with myself!
January 14, 2013 at 1:23 am
Worried
Well, I read all the comments here. BUT I HAVE A DIFFERENT PROBLEM,,,,I am still very much -INLOVE- as much as I love my husband. He still turns me on when I see him, and we have been dating and living together for 4 years. We only got married on the 22nd December 2012, and I am fine. We have a stunning baby boy of 7 months old, and everything is going great this past three weeks. OR SO I THOUGHT….I think my husband has the depression…His lack of interest in sex is very bad. He rejects me every night. He never used to drink every night, now he does. He isn’t talking to me anymore like he used to, and he is very distant. I am nice to him, and he will get aggressive and upset screaming and yelling at me, telling me I must stop being sarcastic and stop treating him like a child…And I really don’t. He quit smoking 2 weeks ago so I realize it can also be the reason…But he changed dramatically this last few weeks, and the weekend that just passed he actually went as far as saying he made a big mistake to marry me…He is 32 this year, and I am 25. So we are not TOO young. We don’t have any other children except our own little boy,
I just don’t know what to do…He wont go for counseling. He is the best husband financially, and used to be emotionally too…but everything changed..
ANY ADVICE??
How do I tell him I think he might be depressed…
January 14, 2013 at 10:32 am
Tina
wow-It sounds like something significant might of happened to him that he is not telling you about. Can you talk to any of his friends or family? Maybe if they know nothing they could talk to him and see if he will open up with them. I don’t know enough about what happens when one quits smoking but that could be what is happening too.
February 17, 2013 at 6:12 pm
Newly married 12.12
I am recently married and feel so worthless. My husband tells to call me a little girl (I’m 29) when we argue. He gets mad at me because I have to be on top of him to get things and a lot of the times when he gets to it, it is half-assed. Earlier he asked for my scissor (i keep in a drawer so it doesn’t get misused) and I explained not to use it on rough things so it doesn’t get damaged and he blew it out of proportion. I am just so frustrasted with the way he talks down to me when he isn’t that type of man, how he turns what I say into something much BIGGER, sex is okay, when I tell him not to leave a cup on a wooden piece of furniture without a coaster, his response is, “its fine” and that blows a fuse… His response to my suggestions are, “its fine!” Ughh!! Sometimes I just want to call it QUITS! I need help! I even suggested therapy and he says we just need to better communicate but I feel as if I communicate with him, he is just going to get me even more upset. ): I feel so sad, depressed, lonely, misearable, worthless.
March 1, 2013 at 2:38 am
Fighter
Hey ladies, thanks for sharing! 3 months down after our marriage and I felt the same too. It’s like this depression monster that is always lurking at a corner waiting to haunt me. I’ve never felt THIS depressed in my entire life I find myself getting tired easily, not wanting to get out of bed, losing the sense of purpose though I have a pretty good job, helpless, I became this needy woman who’s easily irritated… I want the happy beautiful ME back desperately!!!
I’m figuring ways to defeat that depression monster, I guess depression is a thing we girls have to constantly wrestle with and overcome. Just want to share with you all and hope we can help each other out.
Firstly, I think what we’re doing here is the first step towards defeating it! By acknowledging our feelings and sharing it out does so much magic to our souls! I feel my burden being lightened whenever I share it with my girl friends. But be sure of who you share it to, if you want your marriage to be better, share it with someone you think is having marriage that works and gives good advice. The last thing we want is another hopeless rant.
Secondly, we should pamper ourselves well, we deserve it, owned it, no questions asked please! It’s TOO important for us to feel good about ourselves!
Thirdly, I guess exercise really helps to keep ourselves occupied and healthy. It’s kind of like we’re disciplining our hormones and say “Hey! Be good and stop playing tricks on me!”
Lastly, my continuous unfailing source of strength is prayer. Because whatever I cannot do, God can make it happen 🙂
I wish all the best to all your marriages! I believe we can defeat the monster, don’t lose hope!
<3<3<3 A big love shout out to all the girls who had loved, sacrificed and still holding on to love. The world go round because of you 🙂
July 25, 2013 at 8:30 pm
newly wed myself
Wow..thanks so much for sharing some of your useful tips. And it got my hopes high when you mentioned prayer. I believe in miracles through prayer and that is the only thing I am hanging on too right now.
I am an Asian and when I shared how tired i felt on FB, most of my friends commented ..oh sounds like good news..which means pregnancy..and this makes me wonder if Asian women go through this and are just embarrassed to talk about it or they are too closed minded to only think of being pregnant. and i do agree that exercise would do me a lot good too..its the starting point that is the hardest..but thanks so much for this.
March 24, 2013 at 5:05 pm
Abby
All these posts bring me a sense of normalcy. I am married to the most amazing man. He is so loving and caring. He does not hesitate to do things for me and he puts up with so much. I keep telling myself i should be happy. We have a house, a car, great jobs, a wonderful husband but the emotion of happiness is just not registering in my brain. I feel so out of place and fear hurting my husband emotionaly in the process.
April 8, 2013 at 5:54 pm
Hope
This article is such a huge relief. Just knowing other women feel this overwhelming depression I do is a comfort in itself. I love my husband so much, but after only a month of marriage I feel more lonely than I ever have. Perhaps medication is the way to go here. Thanks for the advice
April 9, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Natz
wow – I cant believe so many other people are feeling this way. I thought I was going insane – had a melt down at work and ended up on antidepressants thinking I was completely loosing the plot. Im not going to list my symptoms cause they are the same as everyone else – the crying and impending doom and sadness – it does lift. Instead im going to give ways i am coping with these intruding feelings.
1. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND – My husband knows everything – while some of it has hurt him a little bit but he knows exactly what is going through my head (i even told him i thought of running at one point). If your partner isnt aware of what is troubling you, he cant help you deal with it. If you cant talk to your husband – talk to someone , write it down and burn it – the aim of the game, get the thoughts out of your head where its easier to process. Things get blown way out of proportion in your mind…you need to let people know exactly what you need be it your family, your friends, your husband or your inlaws. be clear, if you need time and space on your own — let them know.
2. MARRIAGE ISNT ALL ROSES – in my research on here thats one thing that every report or article i have read has said expect ruff patches or “teething problems”. Now I wasn’t living with my now husband before we got married – so there has been a few “teething issues”. Little things about him irritate the jeepers outta me!! stuff like he never unloads the dishwasher or cleans — I got asked “how long since you last did the washing (this was meant in a nice way might it add – i however didnt hear it this way) he was quickly told “you know where the washing machine is – your hands and legs are not painted on Im not your mother.” over reaction yes – he was actually asking if i had anything I wanted washed. so Yes you will argue and bikker and have some huge arguements. But in doing this you are growing and blending to lives as one. 2 unique people in one home – just roll with it. And as one of the elders in our church advised us
“never let the sun set on your anger”.
3. BE KIND TO YOURSELF – my counciller stressed this to me!! Yes there is an image that “these should be the happiest days of my life” reality is its not for you right now…stop putting that expectation there your just gunna stress yourself out more. Dont fight the anxiety it will give it more power, the fear will cripple you and then say hello to a full blown melt down (well thats what happened to me). Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling – should you be happy? possibley but the fact is your not right at this point but it doesnt mean your not ever going to be. Just think what you need to think and process that thought and put it away. I still sit there sometimes and think “wow what if this is the biggest mistake ever, i should leave, this feeling will leave and I will go back to normal if i leave” reality is – no i wont feel better, i will be running from my fear, and i would have lost the most amazing thing i ever had all because i was scared to push through my clouded feelings.
4. TAKE A STEP BACK – ok so if your like me and not lived with your husband and had a really short engagement (and dating) you need to breath. My husband and I were married in the 11th month of us being together – yup and only engaged for 4 months!! we have known each other for 10 years as friends but hey I dont waste time ahaha. 20/20 vision in hinesight – yes we should have waited a little longer but the fact of the matter is we didnt. did it add extra stress — oh boy did it what.
So let yourself breathe – weddings are listed in the top 5 most stressfull things you will do in your life. You have all your family in a confined area – 2 families infact (if they are like our families its like a storm in a tea cup). the actual planning of the wedding which is stressful. if your like me you had to find a house, move into it, set it up, then theres the honeymoon – travel “great so now i have to unpack and then find all my stuff for a holiday”…come back from honeymoon and everyone wants your attention…then its back to a demanding job !!! just writing that makes me exhausted!! you are tired, you have had a hectic couple of months with some high stress situations…let yourself breathe, chill out relax and stop putting pressure on yourself.
Getting married is a massive change, weither you have been with your partner forever or like me got married quickly – the dynamics change and this takes a little adjusting to a new way of life…let yourself adjust. remember your vows – remember the feeling you felt when you started to walk towards your man – and remember the love you had for him before. This feeling will not last forever its just an adjustment hiccup and you will get through – even if you like me need a little medical help for a little while. I love my husband and cant picture life without him. He made a promise to stand beside me in sickness and in health till death do us part…remember the vows…and dont just walk away, try to work through…he is your life partner and your best friend and needs to be kept in the picture but you also need to stress to him how much he is loved. make sure he is secure and knows that this doesnt change how u feel.
I have moments when i feel like i am useless and a terrible wife but i throw those thoughts out as soon as they enter my head. I as a christian pray – seek guidence — if thats your thing i suggest you read your word and press in – if its not — do something that makes you feel safe and secure. I didnt want to change my surname – my husband didnt understand why but as im dealing with my feelings and my anxiety its getting easier and that foreign name is starting to look like my own. I can think of my wedding day – without my stomach going inknots and I can look at the pictures without think – oh my goodness thats so not me…the best thing you can do is just give yourself time to adjust – it might take a month, it might take 6 but you will get there. have faith
June 9, 2013 at 5:27 pm
Danielle
I’m so glad I found this blog! I’ve been married a little over two weeks and I can’t seem to shake the feeling of not being happy. I love my husband with all of my heart and I’m so thankful we are husband and wife. We got married on the one year anniversary of him asking me to be his girlfriend- which was on our second or third date. We planned our wedding in a little over three months.
We didn’t live together prior to being married and I’ve ALWAYS lived with my family. We work opposite schedules several days a week and on those days I am just miserable. I hate coming home to an empty house. Often times an empty house with a sink full of dishes and a liter box that hasn’t been emptied. I had to leave my dog with my parents as we couldn’t find a place we could afford that would allow dogs, but we did manage to find a place where he could keep his cat. I figured why should we both leave our pets behind?
In the middle of the night I wake up and find myself crying for no reason and I feel guilty for feeling so unhappy and ungrateful- I finally have everything I’ve always dreamed of and I find myself missing living with my family when I’m alone.
My sister is a nurse and I’m well versed in the medical field and I recognized the signs of depression but it just didn’t seem like something that should be happening post-nuptials- I’m so glad to know I’m not alone.
I’m not sure I have a plan of action for how to handle it. I know a large part of this is just making an adjustment- something I’ve never been good at.
June 11, 2013 at 1:29 am
natz1087
Hey Danielle.
Your story sounds the same as mine. my husband and i.married after being together for a year and i hav had a ruff time adjusting to. I cried endlessly for the first month and felt so miserable it wasnt funny. it was so hard to adjust. have a read of my blog i.have written. keep ya chin up.sweets 🙂 it gets better when u start adjusting. as each issue comes up deal with it together. you are so not alone in this. i still have a little flip out when i think about being married just seems so grown up.
June 24, 2013 at 2:07 pm
Abril
Going through the same… I’m so depressed. I do not enjoy my life. My husband is a great man, he treats me like a queen, but I am still depressed. I miss who I was when I was single. I just need to know if the feeling goes away because I can’t go on like this. Everybody writes about being depressed but they don’t come back to share whether they are happy now. I hope they are. I need to know if this depression goes away or if I am the one who needs to go away, so far away (thoughts of going back to my country are the only relief I get in the middle of all this). I need help. I do not know what to do. I used to love myself, now I hate myself. I am seeing a psychologist tomorrow, but my brain tells me that the only cure is to go back to being single.
June 24, 2013 at 3:56 pm
Victoria
Though it may seem hard to believe, underneath all of the feelings… you are still you — the person your husband fell in love with, I’m sure.
I posted on this site in 2011 and honestly started feeling like myself around our one year anniversary (March 2012). It’s hard to get used to living with someone and being a part of each other’s lives day in and day out for “forevermore.” You go from making decisions as an independent person to jointly as a couple. While that’s hard enough, add to it being in a new country (it sounds like you may be from another country), that is a lot of stress.
Glad you are going to see a psychologist. My counseling helped me set goals and remember the things that made me happy as an individual. It also helped me understand that what I was feeling was normal!
I really think the big lead up to my wedding contributed to my post-wedding blues. I’m getting ready to finish a degree that has consumed my life for the past year (quit my job a year ago to pursue it). Knowing my personality, I worry that I may suffer another “withdrawal” as I reenter the workforce. It will no longer be my main focus just like my wedding was in the months leading up to that event. One thing I’ve learned — is that I’m aware of this project/goal-oriented side of me, perhaps better now than ever before.
June 26, 2013 at 8:25 am
Abril
Thanks Victoria for your response. I am feeling better today. I think you will do fine reentering the workforce, you will have new goals and challenges, that’s what the brain needs to feel fulfilled. I think that’s what I need. I wish you the best!
June 26, 2013 at 9:46 am
Victoria
Thanks, Abril. Glad you are doing better today. It does get better and it sounds like you are taking the right steps to get there. I am happy now. There are times I look at my husband and can’t believe what a good fit he is for me and my fiercely independent personality.
I wish you the best of luck also. You will find a new challenge, I’m sure of it! 🙂
November 17, 2014 at 1:32 pm
Abril
Hi Victoria. I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since I posted here and your words gave me hope. I actually got better and spent an entire year feeling so happy with my husband, and super busy with my job. Part of what helped me was this http://www.conscious-transitions.com and the fact that I found a job.
I really wish all the ladies here came back to share their stories, to let us know that they got over those weird feelings (depression) and that they are now having a happy life. That’s what I need right now, I need to hear AGAIN that there is hope. After an entire year of feeling normal and my marriage felt just right, somehow I WENT BACK to a mild depression. I don’t feel as bad as I was feeling back in June 2013, but somehow my brain went back to remembering how it felt when I was single and how free and full of dreams my life was. One thing is missing something and another thing is actually hurting from something you lost, I am hurting from what I lost, being single made me feel strong, on top of the world, all of that is gone. I love my husband, he is the best man I have ever met, but my identity crisis came back. The dreams that I had when I was single were not really concrete dreams (owning a house by a beach, living in a high rise in a busy city, spending an entire summer in Italy by myself, etc) and even if I was single I could not achieve them all together nor they are guarantee of happiness, but hey! it was fun to dream, now that I am married it feels as if I don’t need to have any dreams anymore, so the fun of life is gone. Even if I achieve those dreams with my husband they won’t be as fun anymore, so I don’t have any desire to pursue those dreams. I feel so guilty for missing my single life and thinking married life is boring when I am aware that I am the only one responsible for my own happiness and not only that, my husband always has fun things planned for the weekend and we both have a great sense of humor. When he gets home I feel so much better, but these thoughts of wondering if marriage is for me are really bothering to the point that I lose concentration at work. Will this go away? I know you have been married for a long time now, how were you able to let go your single life?
July 25, 2013 at 8:17 pm
newly wed myself
Hi ladies..this is a really good posting Mrs. Newly Wed. I got married last month and for 2 weeks now I have been experiencing all that you have described in your post. I thought it was normal with the sudden hike of house work and fixing our own furniture but when it affected my focus on driving, that’s when it got my attention. And what annoys me more is that when i share it with my friends, they say Oh hope its happy news!! I obviously don’t want to get pregnant so fast and I don’t know what is wrong with me until I read this posting. And yes, my husband too thinks that I am just being childish. I hope he will understand my situation better after reading this posting which I shared with him. Thanks for this insight.
September 6, 2013 at 2:12 pm
Lauren
Hi All,
I am so happy to have found this website. I am truly suffering! I got married a few weeks ago to what I thought was my best friend and lover. However since our wedding day things haven’t been the same. On the eve of our wedding I didn’t want anything to do with him. Then a few days later we went on our honeymoon and we came home a week early because I had become so depressed. I am questioning if I am still in love with him, get turned on by him, and even want this marriage to continue. We fought so much during the planning of our wedding and I hated how he would treat me during those fights. He would make me feel like a child and in ways squashed my self-esteem. Now when I look at him I see the pain that I suffered. I also don’t really want to get naked in front of him and barely want to be intimate with him.
However, I am currently in a deep state of terrible depression and what I can say is that he has been there for me in an incredible way. I am so torn on what to do. I just feel that the “magic” the spark that was once so electric in our relationship is burnt out. Please HELP … any thoughts, similar stories, and/ or inspirational stories would be so greatly appreciated.
September 23, 2013 at 6:28 am
randis
I got married a little over a month ago, and have become a complete basket case. I very unexpectedly lost my job as a teacher last April, and I think the wedding, name change, and move have all made it way worse.
Am I the only one who kind of feels like she doesn’t know who she is anymore? I was so excited to take his name, and thought it was so cute the first time I saw my new name on something, but after a while it just seems weird. It’s like taking on a new identity.
I owned my own house, which I had big plans to fix up. I met him just after buying it, so I never got to finish most of that, and now my house is going to be for sale. I moved into his house, which is very nice and in a much nicer neighborhood, but it’s isolated, and an hour away from my family, friends, and graduate school class that I go to once a week.
We used to be very sexually active, and now he doesn’t even seem attracted to me anymore. He treats me very, very well, just doesn’t seem to find me sexy anymore. It really hurts.
I just want to watch tv/go to sleep all the time.
October 19, 2013 at 11:47 am
Maya
Hi Lauren, please read my story below,as I ve had the same experience. Have u spoke about how u felt with him? How did he take it, how did he react? When i tried to explain my feelings to my husband, he said it s just the adjustment period and the distance between us that are the causes …
October 19, 2013 at 11:43 am
Maya
I’m 26 years old and just got married few months ago. The whole thing was a disaster, the wedding was horrible I even cried that day. I started feeling sad and upset from the beginning. During our honeymoon , I wasn t able to have sex like before, I didn’t enjoy and felt like it as before. I started feeling upset, sad, mad and shame and guilty. That’s not how I imagined and considered my wedding and the beginning of my marriage. My husband lives and works in Nunavut, and I’m in Ottawa, for few months, until I can finish my university degree, so then I will be moving to Nunavut so we can live together. So our only means of communication was skype and phone, and I ve felt lonely , angry and even considered multiple times divorce. I see divorce as the only solution, because I just wanna get out of this state of suffering. The worst thing is I cant even explain why I feel this way. I started taking medications to sleep and it s not helping. I m suppose to see my husband in few weeks, as he will be coming down to visit, but I m not looking forward to it… I don’t know what to do…I don’t know from where to seek help, who to talk to. I m not close to my or his family and I’m too ashamed to speak about this with friends. 😦
October 28, 2013 at 6:57 pm
Jen
Wow, it is so good to hear other women feeling this way. We’ve been married almost four months now and I have been constantly tired and lost feeling for the past two months. The wedding was busy and so was my job, then we quickly moved into a house a couple weeks after the wedding and everything started to slow down. Without the momentum of the move and contact from friends and family dramatically reduced, I felt isolated. At first I too was so excited to take my husband’s name, but now I find myself amidst an identity crisis. I’m a teacher, and losing my maiden name feels like the end of a career as that teacher, even though I have the same job. I’m not sure who the new Mrs. will be and what the expectations are for me.
Now I am so awkward at socializing, which I have lost all interest to do anymore. I feel less confident, more anxious, nervous, and unmotivated by anything. The duties of being a wife seem like a daunting task and I’m not sure what my responsibilities really should be. It’s as though if I’m not at work or working from home, then I’m giving any energy I can find to cleaning or cooking. It seems like my husband expects me to be able to keep the house looking show-ready all the time, without him having to do anything except make the mess worse. I’ve tried talking to him but he always gets defensive. He was raised with his parents doing everything for him, I was raised doing everything for myself. I’ve never been super tidy, and his mother always keeps the house perfect, with laundry magically pressed when he got up in the morning. I can’t do that. I have more to give to the world than less than admirable housekeeping skills. We eat a special diet so I cook ALL of our meals and snacks, which takes up at least two full days on the weekend. It would be nice to have dinner made when I got home occasionally. I’m also in charge of all of our paperwork and research for the future. I am the only one moving us forward.
I’ve been trying to deal with this deep depression as much as I can. I do a short workout 3-5 times per week, a couple yoga classes and long dog walks every few weeks, I work my 30 hours/week, but I can’t kick this rotten feeling combined of inadequacy, anger, resentment, lethargy, unmotivated, anxious, sadness, self-pity, self-consciousness, and self-loathing. Even dealing with this I feel like I’m still the only one pushing forward and keeping things afloat. All he does is go to work, watch TV, eat(usually while watching TV), or have sex. Yes, we still have sex everyday. He really has it made. And I still feel guilty or like a nagging wife when I ask him to do something. He does help sometimes, even without direction, but the job is never completed. If he starts a load of laundry, he doesn’t fold it and put it away. If he says he’s going to fix the kitchen sink, he doesn’t. If he says he’s going to fix my brake lights, he doesn’t. It’s really hard to try and fix myself when I’m pulling his weight too.
November 8, 2013 at 3:55 am
Hayley
Wow, I am so relieved to see so many comments on this subject, and that i am not alone!
I have been battling with depression ever since just after our July wedding.
My husband and i both work abroad for a cruise line, He is foreign and we are in my home country on an unpaid vacation since just before our wedding. We are waiting for his residence visa to come through and during this time we are staying with family. Because i have worked abroad for so many years, i have lost contact with pretty much all of my friends .
My husband also doesn’t have any friends here and is quite an introvert.
Our life was pretty exciting before the wedding, travelling, always on the go, meeting different people and just enjoying life in general, now i want to pull my hair out with boredom, frustration and loneliness as we wait around all day every day for the last 4 months, so we can get back to work and some sort of purpose. It also makes it worse that we have no idea as to the length of time that it is actually going to take. Just letting life go by without actively participating in it, makes me feel very isolated and depressed.
Because i am feeling the way i am, It is taking its toll on our new marriage, i feel that we should be enjoying it. but its all just too stressfull and we fight alot. all i want to do is sleep, and i am very withdrawn, i feel i dont have anyone i trust enough to talk to about these feeling, so Thank you to the lady who started this forum.
November 12, 2013 at 4:08 pm
Ava
I’ve been engaged for 7 months & now getting married in 3 weeks, ever since the proposal I have been feeling depressed, scared I’m making the wrong decision & find myself constantly distancing myself from my Fiance’ I see so many faults in him now that make me wonder how I’m supposed to live with that for the rest of my life. People around me are so excited about the wedding & keep asking me how great it feels i tell them my life is over they think I’m just joking but I really feel that I mean it. Occasionally I see small things that remind me why I want to be with him but apart from that I continue to pick fights & become someone I am not. I’m always tired & when I sleep its not a good sleep. We have known each other for over 10 years however we were not always in a relationship as we have had our fair share of ups & downs. We are not only planning a wedding we are also renovating a house. Did anyone feel this way before the wedding & then it continued afterwards?
November 15, 2013 at 9:06 am
Victoria
I felt this way, but ended it when I was engaged to someone else several years ago. I felt like I was screaming and no one could hear me. Everyone was excited about the wedding, but I couldn’t deny that something wasn’t right and I truly had questions about what our marriage would be like.
Ending the engagement was the best decision I ever made and now I’m married to the right person!
It may be wise to postpone the wedding for now, so you have time to figure out if the relationship will work. Marriage is definitely something not to rush into if you have any doubts.
November 15, 2013 at 2:54 pm
Scottish bride
Yes – it’s all normal. I cannot recommend Sheryl Paul’s work enough. http://Www.conscious-transitions.com
November 15, 2013 at 2:57 pm
Scottish bride
Yes – it’s all normal. I cannot recommend Sheryl Paul’s work enough. http://Www.conscious-transitions.com
Also I would really stress that I had doubts and anxieties about getting married and I’m now two years married and it was the best decision I made. I’m very happily married and so thankful I worked through my anxieties and doubts. Everyone is different but for me the doubts were really about me not us. The website above really helped me work out what was going on. Don’t just assume its the relationship that’s wrong.
November 17, 2014 at 1:57 pm
Abril
Hi Scottish bride. I took that course and it helped me a lot to the point that I spent an entire year feeling happy, normal, and thankful that I married my awesome husband, but for some reason about a week ago my brain has betrayed me and I started thinking again how my single life was: full of dreams, I felt so strong and independent, I could do anything I wanted, and now that I realize all that is gone I went back to a mild depression, not as bad as last year, but it is very annoying to have those thoughts haunting me. My husband is awesome, he treats me like a queen, we both have great sense of humor, and he even encourages me to have my own activities (find new friends, take a class, travel to see my mother, do my own things, etc), but for some reason I went back to the same thoughts as last year. I pulled out all my notes I took from the conscious-transitions course and I read them everyday hoping this mild depression will go away just like my big depression went away last year (and I had never been depressed in my life). I really hope I go back to feeling normal, I did it for an entire year!! My marriage felt so right and I was so thankful, what happened? Did you go back to feeling like this again?
November 29, 2013 at 6:16 pm
lostcoast
wow ladies. i am feeling no so alone anymore after reading these posts.
I got married a little over a month ago. 3 weeks before our wedding my husband’s step father died saddenly. then a week before the wedding i ruptured a disc in my low back. I had been doing so much for my mother in law and then all the last minutes of the wedding i just snapped.
now fast forward to Thanksgiving/ Xmas holiday time, i am ready to build our new traditions (even if that means simplifying) and my husband feels out to lunch. no help, no consideration of my needs. no respect. his mom of course is still deeply grieving and then there is me. all my family is back east.
i just want to run away. i want to be alone. i am envisioning my life independent and free. i am scared i may want out. humpf.
November 30, 2013 at 4:02 pm
Will Overcome This
I have found that just reading posts from other women is so helpful. I am 25 and have been married for 6 months. I have been having severe panic attacks and it’s lead to depression as well during the last week. I have seeked my doctor’s advice and am currently looking for someone professional to talk to, as well, basically to stop this before it gets any worse. By reading everyone else’s posts here, I realize that I’ve been suppressing thoughts of my husbands flaws, although he is the only person I want to be around and can ease my anxiety. I’m not sure how long these feelings will last, but I feel like getting to the root of the problem is more important than just fighting the symptoms, so thanks everyone for the encouragement or just for sharing what you are going through. It is a step in helping me get to the bottom of this issue. I’m not sure if my if PND or just anxiety/depression from a new marriage, new house, my husband’s job loss, my stressful job, in a new city away from family, and other life transitions, but either way, I am suffering in a similar way to you all.
January 17, 2015 at 7:24 pm
Shades Of Jade
Thank God for your post and replies. I have been married 6 months and I feel like I’m bipolar. Some days are better than others but to sum up my feelings I dont think I like being married. I love being married TO my husband, just not sure if I’m a fan of being “married” (confusing, I know). He’s such a blessing to my life and I can’t imagine being married to anyone else, but I’m having a real tough time adjusting to a new city, new job, new name and new responsibilities. I’m always so tired after work and some days I just want to sit on the couch and just lay like I did today. He’s such a wonderful loving & giving guy but he doesn’t understand my down mood and for him this marriage thing seems to come easy. I’m praying but feel like I need to sit down with a counselor so I can have someone I can truly talk to, because now I don’t feel comfortable expressing my dislike or depressed moments with friends. Again, thank you ladies for sharing your stories…. it’s what I really needed in this exact moment. I pray that God has helped each and everyone of you and will help those that read this.
January 19, 2015 at 12:59 pm
natz1087
Hey!
Have a check through my blog as I have written similar ones to this one. I totally get where you are at. I felt exactly the same. I can actually remember being on our honeymoon, at breakfast looking across the table and going….oh my gosh! im married…all of a sudden a 1950’s housewife verson of me comes into my mind with like 5 children running round with a white picket fence…i freaked…I was trying to fit in to what I though a wife should be but thats not what my husband expected at all. Get rid of the preconcieved ideas in your mind of what you think you should be and just be the woman that your husband fell in love with. The rest will come to you in your own way I promise. There was never a moment I doubted loving my husband it was my mind. I have always been independant and strong and I thought being married would be the end of that. Be an end to the independant side of me but that is so far from the truth. You are still your own person you just have a another person to share your life with now 🙂 dont lose sight of who you are getting caught up in who you think you need to be.
I would suggest a good counciller, I did and it was the best thing I could have done. She sorted through the crap and simplified alot of things for me.
Praying for you,
January 9, 2014 at 3:17 pm
Wilbur_the_Odd
Guy perspective here.
I’m… I’m trying really hard to be strong for her and take care of her and treat her right. I never knowingly do anything to hurt her and I try to be considerate of her needs all the time. I want to keep her and protect her and help her forever.
But it’s so hard, it feels like handling brittle eggshells, every time I slip up it’s a disaster and it takes what seems like eons for any forgiveness or progress to come out of it.
I know perfectly well I have flaws, but with half of them, she won’t tell me what they *are* until I’ve already ruined everything with them, and the other half I can’t seem to change no matter how much I want to. She feels like she can’t count on me to back her up, and she feels this because of things I barely have any ability to control, or words that just flat out don’t mean the same thing to her that they do to me, so I say them meaning X and she hears Y, and then I can’t persuade her that I really meant X for hours… or days… or ever.
It’s exhausting. All I want is to make her happy. And it’s very hard to have that happen for any extended length of time.
So I guess… I dunno. Most of the voices here are female, and maybe I’m not welcome to add my piece to this, but… to the women in the audience, who are experiencing post-nuptial depression, or for that matter prenuptial or duringnuptial depression…
Talk to your man. Try to explain. Maybe he’s too thick to get it, but if he’s at all like me, he *wants* to understand, wants to know there’s a problem that can theoretically be fixed or resisted, something you and he can work on together. And if he’s at all like me he would just LOVE to have a defined list of things he could stop doing to make things better. I WISH it were something simple like “quit smoking” [I don’t smoke] instead of something like “always phrase statements about problems in a way that makes me feel X,” which is a heck of a lot more complicated.
January 19, 2015 at 1:08 pm
natz1087
Hey Wilbur,
Firstly – its refreshing to hear this from the other side of the spectrum, I hope its getting better for you.
I can honestly say that when I went through this my husband was great, and thats cause he just treated me like he always had when I cried, he held me and trust me I cried alot. It must have been so hard for him, we would talk about my concerns no matter how irrational they were. I dont know each person is different but maybe your wife is scared to tell you because whats going through her head is scaring her, shes possibly trying to make sense of it all but doesnt want you to head for the hills. I was scared incase my husband was like wow your crazy im out…haha which would do never happen.
I went to a counsiller which was a really hard thing for me to do. I also was put on a very very light anti anxiety medication which just evened my emotions out long enough for me to get my head around everything. We are celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary next month. SO there is hope.
Check out my blog if you like I have written very similar blogs when I was going through this.
Wish you all the best, just give your wife a big hug feeling safe in your husbands arms is the best thing for this. Just knowing that you are there no matter what will do wonders.
x
February 3, 2014 at 2:35 pm
Janet
I am so scared and feeling so down. It hit me the day after my wedding, a month ago. I love my husband but he is driving me crazy for no reason. I’m irritable, moody, angry and tired all at the same time. The sadder I feel, the more he tries to help, but that is just irritating, and ends in him being upset, and the whole circle being repeated. I just want to be left alone. What is wrong with me
April 21, 2014 at 9:35 am
Why are you so downcast oh my soul
I realize nobody has posted here in a few months, but I stumbled across this today as I sat here waiting for the town medical clinic to open so I could call about making an appointment to get antidepressants. I can relate to a lot of you that have posted over the years! I have never handled major change well and have been treated for depression before. I dated my husband for 2.5 years before we were engaged.
Once we got engaged, I began to worry I couldn’t make the commitment or that I did not really love him. I am a Christian and prayed about my decision and became convinced that this was a good man for me. The night before the wedding I had a panic attack and almost didn’t go through with it. The wedding day was pretty miserable and by the time we got home I only wanted to sleep. For the next few days I only slept and cried..I couldn’t even eat.
We have met with our pastor and his wife, but I have come to the conclusion that my problem is more than a lack of faith. My husband is a kind, hard-working, positive Christian man, but when I look at him or think about him…I feel nothing. 😦 It is so hard, I want to be happily married ( I truely wanted a divorce, but because of my faith, I know God doesn’t honor that decision. ) I know marriage is not all about being happy, but I want to be convinced of my love for the man God has given me in marriage and have hope I wont be miserable forever! I also have little to no sex drive, I could really take it or leave it ( I saw another wife mention this and she, Like I mostly do it out of duty and I also do it in hopes it will draw me closer to my husband.)
I feel disconnected from my husband, and everything else in life. I hope to get on antidepressants soon and am going to consider counseling. I am thankful to see that this is a common “disease” and that I am not one of the few! I would be interested to know how some of you have come along in the past months, years, etc…
April 28, 2014 at 1:29 am
Mrs Why
Hi all, I got married a month ago, we have been living together for a year and have always got along ok. This is my second marriage and my first one ended up really badly when my ex of 8 years decided to have an affair while working abroad and father a child with his mistress.
I feel so sad, and I feel guilty most of the time, my husband is a lovely person with a difficult background (his family did not even attend our wedding), but he has always been there for me. Here I am still, not feeling happy and wanting to cry most of the time. I have two kids (from my previous marriage) that adore him and he adores them, so, why I am still so bloody miserable??!
May 21, 2014 at 12:36 am
Eve
Thank you for your honesty. It has helped!
September 16, 2014 at 5:04 pm
Stacey
Hi everyone,
I am going through a very similar experience and was hoping we could chat.
I experienced a similar situation after our engagement party that lasted a few days/weeks but because I was in school and also still had the big wedding to look forward to,the depressive feelings subsided quickly.
What I feel now is far more severe than anythingn I’ve ever felt before and I feel so guilty for feeling like this because my husband seems very happy and can’t understand why I am behaving so unlike myself.
Let me tell you, we had a big wedding and an engagement period longer than a year. I looked forward to this day for so long and spent hours upon hours planning with family and friends. The decor,the flowers,the cake,the band,the dj, the table cloths, the music…it was ENDLESS. I got sick of it sometimes too and thought I would be happy after the wedding when the attention and focus could be placed elsewhere. Instead, I was left with a very real sense of emptiness,loneliness and dysphoria . These feelings are severely exacerbated by my unemployment (I recently finished graduate school and am waiting eagerly for an interview). I find myself feeling lost,confused,bored ,and feeling as though I have absolutely nothing to do. It’s torture.
My husband is so busy with work and I find myself jealous,I hate it.
I so desperately want to be happy but I feel so completely hopeless and lost I don’t know what to do with myself and I feel as though no one understands.
I knew IDE feel slightly let down after the wedding,but I never imagined it would be this bad. The sadness,and the guilt (both for feeling this way and for feeling as though I didn’t deserve such a big wedding from my parents).
I definitely feel like the lack of job is compounding my feelings as well.
2It’s comforting to know I’m not alone,but still hard getting through each day feeling like I am useless.
April 17, 2015 at 4:55 am
alice
I wonder if anyone went through the same experience and how long it took and how their marriage is doing now. I wish anyone with that kind of information posted here. I married three months ago and suffer from severe overwhelming feelings that my life has finished and I can never be my old Me any again. I mss being free and happy. Maybe we who suffer from such feelings just have more inner freedom and independence than those lucky ones for whom all this stuff sounds strange. Or maybe I made a mistake marrying him and my inner self cannot find peace and ease.
April 2, 2015 at 7:38 pm
Newlywed and pregnant
I love my husband I really do but like I’ve seen others say on here I also don’t always like him right now. Background We found out we were pregnant in February and planned a quickie wedding for march so I could go on his insurance since we both were changing jobs and moving! Talk about a stressful couple months and now that we’ve been married two weeks I’m feeling frustrated angry moody sad alone resentful I could probably go on. To make to harder we don’t even have our own place right now and have a small room in our friends house , he has a job at a company he is excited about which does make me happy but it still leaves me the breadwinner and I’m trying to work extra shifts so I can afford to be off when this baby comes. (I’m working contracts and don’t have insurance option that’s why we did his insurance) I basically get to see my husband in the dark when we go to bed, I know he loves me but I definitely imagined our married life would be a little more togetherness when we can. Tonight he text me from the bar that he’s going to have a drink with a coworker after work, I feel bad that that made me angry but our first week of marriage we lived in separate cities and this week even when we are in the same house I don’t see him he’s busy doing stuff with his friend. I commented that I’d rather see my new wife than go for a drink but I’m not even sure where to begin with trying to talk to him because these pregnancy hormones make me cry at the thought of feelings. And I’m just scared that I’m here by myself. I don’t know anyone in the area all my closest friends and family are hours away which doesn’t seem like much but it is far when you are by yourself. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is depression or not but I think seeing a counselor would me but I’d probably spend an hour crying. I hate turning to the internet and people I don’t know but it’s easier than trying to talk to those I do know because those are who we put on a happy face for. Even if no one is reading this blog anymore it felt good to write the beginning of my feelings out.
September 12, 2015 at 8:08 pm
Michelle
I understand your feelings, hope things have gotten better. Thanks for sharing your story!
May 30, 2015 at 7:28 am
Mrs Financial Problem
Wow! I can 101% relate! We’ve been marrief for 9 weeks already. I was working on a bank for 7 years tben before we got married I quit. My husband is a seafarer he is a 3rd officer. I couldn’t deny the feeling of being so happy and loved though he’s far away. My girl grienda git jealous about the surprises and elegant gifts that o received from my bf, (which is now my hudband) I kust got disappointed before my wedding because everuthing was rushed. we only have 1 month to prepare for our wedding and then after 3 mos, he need to sail again. the sad thing was I don’t have an engagement ring. but my garden wedding was elegant. Now, what triggers my depression is financial problem. Yes, we still have money and I am confident that, that money is more than enough. But because my husband is very generous,y in laws ang his siblings kept on interfering about our finances. Imagine, after the wedding we bought a Lot , on the third year, we can build a house in it and it’ll be ready for occupancy. My in laws brought a lot too! On my surprise, My husband pays for it! and I can still recall the day after our wedding, My husband deposited a huge amount of money to her mom’s account. Two weeks agi, his father encouraged him to join the networking he’s in. Then early this morning her sister called asking for pur birthday gift to her son. *sigh.. later this afternoon we received our electric bill, He only have a very small amount of money left on his account, so the problem is crashing now into my face. We are now living with my parents and they are retired govt. employees and pensioners already. But I am too shy to tell my parents about my in laws. I just don’t want to spend all the money I kept in the bank and the money we received on our wedding. Tonight I’m thinking aloud if tying the knot with this guy sleeping next to me is right??? Mu husband is responsible,sweet and kind but to the extent that he’s giving too much. I am so mad at him right niww I didn’t talk to him the whole day. I suffered from anxiety and over stressed when I was still in the bank, now I think everything has come triple. Triple stress, tripple head ache, triple anxiety!
July 5, 2015 at 8:32 pm
StillHaven'tChangedMySurname
Hi, everyone. I don’t know if this thread is still active – it’s been almost a year since the last person posted here. I have been married for nearly three months now, and I think it was a mistake. My spouse and I had a very positive and active dating relationship for about a year before he proposed and he had to move to Texas to take a job for the duration of our nine-month engagement. I have abandonment issues, so I resented him for leaving me here, unmarried, and held on to that resentment for our entire engagement. I’m not sure I’ve let go of it even now. My spouse also gets very physical when he’s very angry; he’ll yell or kick things, he’ll start to drive a little erratically. Not such a big deal. He has never and would never hurt me. BUT I was raised in an abusive household, where my father would do the same things, but where the danger of being physically hurt was absolutely real. My (now) husband repeatedly reminds me that “he is not my father or any of the other boyfriends I’ve had.” He says he’ll work on it, but then if I bring it up in the moment, and point out to him that he’s doing it again, he makes excuses, and says that “It was nothing!” But when it gets to that point, I don’t think he understands that it takes everything in my body to resist running away from him. I flinch and become very still and quiet, and then I find some excuse to very slowly and quietly leave the room and lock the door. I don’t think he wants to take responsibility for triggering that. It’s not that I don’t love him, but since our wedding, I hate him more than I love him.
I’m back in California now, taking a break, but staying with my family. I had forgotten just how manipulative they are, and my father is just trying to shame me into staying with my husband. Never mind that he is also divorced. I wanted to get out and see some of my old friends, but I just never feel like doing anything any more – especially with people who will inevitably ask me how married life is. I don’t want to have to wear my wedding ring just to keep up appearances, or in hopes of avoiding those questions. I flew out here because I missed my single life, but I know people will never let me just go back to it. So I stay in my room – all day, every day. Both here and back in Texas where I live now. I’m only really motivated to have sex for the week out of the month when I ovulate, so I usually move back in to the master bedroom for that week, thinking things might be better this time, and that maybe he loves me enough to be capable of understanding me and my needs, above his pride, and his ego. But I just don’t think he is capable of understanding, which in my mind, means we just aren’t compatible. Every effort I’ve made in conflicts to explain my feelings, or my problems with him have been met with resistance. Then I leave for three weeks and when I come back, he insists (in the whiniest, prepubescent voice you can imagine) that it wasn’t his intention, and that he didn’t mean it the way it came off. But I just can’t deal with that. He either doesn’t care, or he is not competent. There doesn’t seem to be a third option, but either way, I can’t trust him with my feelings.
I ordered a vibrator, hoping that I can prevent myself from going back to sleeping with him. I shouldn’t have sex with someone I don’t fully trust. It’s never completely satisfying, and my hormones shouldn’t dictate whether or not we make up. I really just don’t think I’m fit to be married.
To add to all of this, I was in a very codependent relationship when I was younger, for five years, with a person who I loved very deeply, and who I was making plans with and had intended to marry. I keep having dreams about him. Not sexual ones, not ever, but where I long to be with him again, and be completely understood. He is with someone else now, and he and I were never on the same page spiritually. (I believe in Jesus, and he doesn’t.) I know my husband is a much better fit for me in that way, we share more of the same values, but I really miss being understood. And the fact that I’m so isolated living in a new place, with no car, no job, and no friends, really just makes it more glaringly obvious that the love and the values that we share just aren’t enough for me. I need to be understood by my husband, and I don’t believe he can give me that, or that he’s willing to.
Thank you to anyone who has read the entirety of this post.
August 27, 2015 at 9:02 am
Isolated
This is the first thread that I’ve found that talks about more than post-party-planning depression. Nowhere else on the world wide web have I found kindred spirits!
I’ve been married 4 months today, and have become irrationally depressed. Not deeply – not that bad – but depressed nonetheless. It’s hard to ‘get pretty’ and ‘get out’ in the mornings anymore, and I don’t have motivation to do the things I enjoy, like cook. I also don’t care if my house is a filthy mess, which makes me feel like a failure as a wife and homemaker.
I love my husband; he is a wonderful, God-fearing, grounded, amazing man. He’s a responsible, kind man who provides what we need to live, and is generous with others. I don’t regret marrying him at all. But this…. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about this, because he won’t understand it. Frankly, he’s kind of a blockhead when it comes to female emotions, and will only try and fix it with blockheaded male maneuvers.
I’m also feeling the “we don’t date anymore” thing. He doesn’t look at me with longing anymore, he doesn’t make it a point to prioritize time together in the evenings. When he comes home from work, it’s to the TV, a glass of scotch, and a wad of tobacco in his mouth. (Gag. It’s what I get for marrying a Southern boy, I guess.)
He doesn’t want to hold me close anymore. He doesn’t want to love on me much anymore, like he did when we were dating. He would gently kiss my face and hold me before sending me home at night, for example. I don’t get that anymore.
He’s also really stressed at work – to the point where he’s showing physical symptoms of stress (acid reflux, etc) – which is taking a serious toll on our sex life, among other things. He also has no motivation to be social, go to church, do his hobbies. As for sex…he doesn’t want it very often anymore…maybe once every other week? Meanwhile, I’m the one that wants it more often than he does to start with. Then again, maybe that’s because I’m starving for intimacy.
Because of that rejection, I’m also struggling with the “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not desirable enough”, “I’m a failure” voices. No amount of lingerie changes that either. No amount of expressing my desires for him through the day. His work is killing us.
I never thought I’d say this, but I wish we were just dating again. My heart felt more fulfilled then, than it does now. I feel so alone… even when he’s home. Even though I love him, I sort of dread when he DOES come home… because I feel like he prioritizes the TV, among other things, over me.
September 12, 2015 at 8:05 pm
Michelle
I am at 3 months and feel your pain completely!
September 26, 2015 at 10:31 pm
Lost
I am glad i am not alone neither are you.
September 12, 2015 at 8:03 pm
Michelle
Thank you for writing this. You explained how I have felt the past 3 months since my wedding. It certainly is reassuring to know I am not alone!
September 26, 2015 at 10:28 pm
Lost
I can relate to all you beautiful ladies in different ways, i can’t believe I’m not alone, i can’t believe hundreds of women share my thoughts and sadness. I have a huge family but i can’t even rely on one. I am 25 years old and married 8 months ago, i stupidity told myself all our problems will go away but ofcourse they haven’t. I have learnt so much about him since living together and have adapted a hate and love for him. I hate who i have become i hate myself i was always this strong independent go getter now i can barely get myself out of bed. I look around me and i feel like other girls are just happy they are always positive and on the go unlike me. I have a father who is finding it hard im not around yet i had no push to call him and take him out for a coffee. My family who i saw every single day are now like strangers to me i have seen them only a handful of times and avoid any gatherings. I have let myself go i no longer want to do my hair or nails or go out now i just sit in a empty corner of my unit in silence. I just don’t know how to get back the old me.. i feel like a body but no soul.
October 17, 2015 at 12:19 pm
Kate Taylor
I’m so sorry we all feel like this, but I’m glad I’m not alone! I married my second husband in June and I’ve been gradually sinking into depression ever since.
I feel like I did when I married my first husband. I thought the problems were HIS fault (he was a bit of an idiot), but now I’m married to a totally different guy and feeling the same way. ??
After my first husband left, I felt GREAT. I lost a tonne of weight (50lbs), joined a gym, had my sassy cousin move in with me. I raised my two kids by myself, was skinny and happy and had money. I had a social life, independence and really liked myself.
Then I met my (now husband) and it was all so exciting! He’d take me out and I was skinny and felt gorgeous. Then I sold my old marital house, moved back to my hometown (where my family live), and we got married.
Now I’m fat, lazy, depressed and awful. I’m back exactly where j was in my first marriage – grumpy, self-righteous, resentful and SO ANGRY for no reason all the time.
I can’t believe I feel this way again. I don’t know what to do.
When I read this blog, I noticed that all of us depressed wives had things in common:
– moved to a new area;
– didn’t see friends anymore;
– gained weight;
– often weren’t working.
Would these issues be a likely cause of our misery? I mean, even if we were single we’d be pretty fed up in those circumstances, wouldn’t we??
I’m taking St John’s Wort and vitamin B. I’m also reading Laura Doyle’s book “First Kill The Marriage Counsellors”, which is really good. But I also need to do the stuff I used to do between marriages:
– go out;
– see friends;
– exercise and eat right;
– pamper myself.
I think a lot of it is guilt — we feel guilty putting ourselves first when we are married. But that’s crazy – our husbands wouldn’t mind at ALL if we went to the gym, watched bad TV all night, saw our friends or had a manicure. So why do we stop doing all this stuff??
I think what I miss is the feeling of hope. When I’m single, I literally feel like something new and brilliant could be waiting round the corner at any moment… Now I feel I know it’s not.
November 17, 2015 at 9:13 pm
vero
I’ve been married less than a month and lately I’ve been feeling so lonely and depressed. Sometimes I’ll even cry, I’ve been trying hard to impress my in laws since I’m living with them but the more I tried, the more I feel depressed. I’m not used to a big change, moving all my things and settling into another home. It’s really hard.
December 10, 2015 at 5:48 pm
Lilly
Thankful to know I’m not alone. I met my (now) husband, had a long distance relationship where we saw eachother about 2 weekends a month. We got engaged and had a quick wedding due to his job and him moving even further away. About a month after our wedding we moved away from all our friends and family, so I have been having a horrible time adjusting to not only being married, but now living in an unfamiliar area with very few friends.
There has been a constant internal battle of wanting to just “be me” and do the things I always used to, but I know that in a marriage you are also supposed to be “selfless.” I really have no clue how to be both and it has caused me to slowly sink into a deep depression where I just don’t feel like myself. It has recently gotten so bad, and my thinking has been so clouded that I don’t even know what’s making me hurt so bad…is it moving? Is it adjusting to being newly married? Is it that I married the wrong person? I genuinely don’t know.
I have sat back and looked at my husband and wondered if I really love him. He is the bedt man I have ever met…he is handsome, strong, has a good job, a perfect gentleman, loyal, faithful, honest….he is everything I wanted. So why would I feel like I could’ve married the wrong person?
I was so happy before, fulfilled and full of dreams and ambitions…he hasn’t changed, he is exactly who I married…it’s just Im not happy now and in my head I think “I was happy before and I’m not now.” That thought makes me feel like getting married was a mistake.
Also since moving I have lost ALL sense of purpose. I have no real friends, no job (yet), I don’t like where we live, I am homesick, I have lost all motivation, my identity and who I am as a person.
I have been reading on depression and looking into what helps…I know that staying stuck and dwelling in this pain is not good. We need to be FORCING ourselves to get out of the house, exercising and eating right. Counselors, medication if needed. This isn’t a way to live and we OWE it to ourselves (and our husbands) to get through this.