For several months after getting married, I suffered from a moderate form of depression. It took me a really long time to figure out that what I was feeling was actually related to getting married and the wedding itself. There seems to be little research done on the subject, with most publications or articles I’ve found calling the phenomenon post-wedding, post-nuptial or post-honeymoon blues. In some ways I find writing off depression as any old case of the blues to be rather aggravating. For several months, depending on the day, I would actually go from mild to severe depression. This was a constant state of being that wouldn’t just go away. I am doing a lot better now, but it was a real emotional process that I had to work through personally and still deal with every once in a while.
Most of the internet research I have done states that one in ten women experience post-nuptial depression – PND – after their wedding. I was honestly comforted to hear this. For a while, I thought I was either going crazy or had a serious problem. Just one month after the wedding, I began to go down a road of withdrawal from social activity. I had volunteered to be part of my company’s softball team but was finding myself not wanting to go to the once-a-week, hour-long games. All I really wanted to do was go home after work and sit on the couch. I stopped exercising. I even stopped talking to people I cared about, like my mom and my friends. It was all I could do to go to work every day. Wasn’t that enough? It got to the point where I was barely functioning on a minimal basis and began to self-medicate daily. I wasn’t self-medicating to the extreme, but I did begin to consider drinking 3-4 glasses of wine a night normal. My husband didn’t appreciate this. He didn’t really like that I never wanted to do anything and thought that I was drinking too much. That would make me angry and want another glass of wine out of spite, which, as you can obviously guess, is not a good thing. I really didn’t feel like he understood me. I really couldn’t explain myself in a rational manner, either, mostly because I couldn’t even figure out what was wrong. I just knew how I felt.
After my doctor advised I get a counselor to work out the life changes that were affecting my emotions and causing me to self-medicate, I decided to do some research on depression. Here are a few definitions from Wikipedia:
Clinical Depression: A common psychiatric disorder, characterized by a persistent lowering of mood, loss of interest in usual activities and diminished ability to experience pleasure.
Postpartum Depression: A form of clinical depression which can affect woman, and less frequently men, after childbirth.
There was no definition for post-nuptial depression. Although there has been significantly more research done on postnatal depression, I find similarities within my own experience that make me think PND may be on the same level as postpartum. Both forms of depression affect mainly women and follow a major life-event – a stressful, life-changing event. I think that it’s only a matter of time before more research is done, and we’ll find out for sure. Whatever you call it, it’s still depression.
If you are suffering from PND, you still need to get treatment of some kind. My doctor recommended for me to go see a therapist, not to get medication, but to work through the issues affecting me. She also recommended that I stop self-medicating. While I haven’t actually gone to a therapist, I have done a bit of research and stopped self-medicating. So far, things have gotten better. Every once in a while I will get depressed, but it seems to not last as long. Now that I recognize why I feel the way I do, it is easier to confront and work through difficult issues when they crop up.
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November 24, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Postnuptial Depression?Newly Married Couples « Manasir53’s Blog
[...] of recently married couples who enroll to deal with their postwedding doldrums. Newlyweds often blog about it, while brides-to-be fret over the anticipation of it on websites like TheKnot.com. Therapists say [...]
November 26, 2008 at 7:29 am
Postnuptial Depression: What Happens the Day After | Health News for Today
[...] of recently married couples who enroll to deal with their postwedding doldrums. Newlyweds often blog about it, while brides-to-be fret over the anticipation of it on websites like TheKnot.com. Therapists say [...]
June 5, 2009 at 1:01 pm
So Tired
I feel so relieved after reading Jeninne Lee-St. John’s Times article, which directed me to this blog.
I have been married for 5 months, which have been both the best and worst months of my life. Never have I felt so utterly depressed in my life, with nobody to turn to. Whenever I meet friends, they chirp about how great it must be to be married. I just smile and agree.
Even though I studied Psychology and know about depression, I found it hard to come to terms with my feelings of guilt, shame, emptiness, loneliness and tiredness. I turned into a real grump, picking fights with my husband, who really didnt deserve it.
My feelings of depression were compounded by my lack of job satisfaction and the inherent need to please my in-laws.
Although I benefited from a self-discovery course I completed about a month ago, this is certainly a work in progress.
I would really like to hear from more women going through these challenges, as I believe that talking about it will help. We often keep this to ourselves, yet the healing is in the feeling.
June 28, 2009 at 11:17 am
Amber
We just got married in June. I can honestly say that I have married the best friend I have ever had. We have now returned home from the honeymoon and his work hours are all over the place. Something I am used to but before the wedding I was still living at home with a big family. There were always people around. Now when he works weekend. I find myself sitting in the middle of a quite little apartment without so much as the sound of nearby voices. I have never felt so utterly alone in my life. Im a little disillusioned because I thought we would have so much more time together after the wedding. I find myself just sleeping or lying around a lot and I used to enjoy getting out and doing things outside. I just dont feel up to it lately.
August 15, 2009 at 6:21 am
I'm tired too
Just by reading your comment, I now feel that I may not be crazy. I just got married 3 weeks ago and have never hated and loved someone soo much. I am realizing that I am putting unreasonable expectations on my new husband. I had alot of stress prior to the wedding. My maid of honor dropped out, my mother’s phone calls increased, he had his mother staying with us at our house. I have also turned into a grump and it’s me that is setting the mood for the household. I am singlehandedly pushing him away. I have certainly turned into a control freak. He is a good, honest man and in my heart I know that. It was actually my father that first told me I may be getting depressed. He told me its very common, espcially for woman to feel this AFTER they get married. I hate feeling this way. I have never been a depressed, emotional person until now. I do feel comforted by reading other peoples feelings. Their should be something for woman to prepare for these feelings PRIOR to their big day. I think I could of hadled things differently had I know what to expect.
July 9, 2009 at 5:21 am
newly married
We got married in May and I feel truely blessed. Yet, my husband spends four days of the week with me and is away for the three. For the remaining three, I am left feeling so depressed that I think I’m going to go crazy. I’m teary all the time, I am unable to focus on my job, I’m lagging behind in many things. It is just really tough and I don’t know how I’m going to live through it.
I am unable to speak to my husband about it because he is always positive about everything, I have never met anyone in my entire 30 years of life who is as positive as my husband. This is excellent, yet, it leaves me not wanting to drag him down or seem negative.
I had been dying to get married and I have to say, I’m so lucky to have my husband, yet, I am ashamed to say that married life isn’t a fairy tail like the films show…
July 9, 2009 at 5:27 am
newly married
“so tired”, I see exactly what you mean…everyone keeps asking how married life is and how happy I must be…I don’t want to spoil the image and so i only smile and say “great”, I don’t know anyone I truly trust to speak to them about how I am truly feeling…
July 27, 2009 at 12:41 am
mrs. newlywed
Thank you all so much for sharing. I ditto everything everyone has said. I’ve been married for 4 months and have been truly struggling. I don’t understand how I can feel so gloomy when this should be one of the happiest times in my life.
How are you getting through it? How do you get over this??
August 13, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Same Here
Dear “So Tired”, you’re not alone. I have been incredibly unhappy since our June wedding. I can’t help but think this is the biggest mistake of my life. My husband is completely clueless to it….but it’s getting to the point where everything he does angers me. We’re trying to sell 2 houses, and in this market, needless to say, they aren’t selling. He has 2 young daughters who are very poorly behaved and have spent the majority of the summer with us. All I can think of is, “Is this it? Is THIS what my life has come to?” I understand what you mean when people ask you how “wonderful” life is now. You have to lie about it and smile….otherwise people look at you like you’re crazy.
I made that mistake only once. I do know you sound smart, articulate, and insightful. I sincerely hope everything works out for you and everyone else who has posted.
August 19, 2009 at 2:26 pm
SoHelpful
I’m so glad I found this site – I thought I was going mad thinking this was just happening to me! I was so happy to be getting married and planning the wedding and I had so many friends and family come and stay with us for it. Now, all the excitement has gone and I feel so lonely. I have been snappy, irritable, crying all the time, no get up and go and it’s a hassle to get dressed in the morning. My husband is wonderful, but he has no clue – although he knows I’m unhappy I had been putting it down to work, but I was never this unhappy before I got married. Now I have a reason – and you know what? Getting married is a big deal and lump that together with many of us starting off married life really struggling in this economy then I think we have all the triggers of depression! It’s a big change – all of a sudden the dynamics change and hopefully once I adapt to that change I’ll be back to my old happy self – I hope so, because I am so tired of dealing with being tired and depressed!
August 28, 2009 at 5:31 am
mourning the loss
I am mourning the loss of him as my boyfriend. I’m so happy we are married and I feel more confident and like I’m finally becoming an adult, but I miss the idea of my boyfriend. I miss the infatuation that we had when we first met and the process of falling in love with him. How every song reminded me of him and how we would text each other all the time with love notes. We have been together for almost 4 years and I always felt so glad that we had gotten over that part. I’m happy that we were comfortable with each other and that truly loved each and are in love and it is a concrete feeling. But now I’m mourning the loss of it all. The fact that may never feel the way we did right when we first met.
I have an all or nothing mind set and I know that marriage brings about deeper feelings of love and that you fall in love many times over with your spouse in the course of a lifetime. I’ve seen it in my parents and they have been married for over 30 years. I just have this fear that it will never happen to us. I’m crying all the time and I get sad when I think about how everyone used to tell me he just looked at me with so much love and admiration. Will that go away since we will be together all the time? Will he always look at me that way? Will I always look at him the same?
And the smiles, I have to smile and say “everything is really good” even though I want to cry and tell them how lost I am. How I don’t know who I am because I’m a wife now and that somehow changes the way people look at you. And I’m a stepmother, and people keep calling me a mom now. I know I am the same person that I was a month ago, but I just don’t know what to do. Also, I have been waiting to be married to him for so long because of school and now we are married, and I almost feel like I don’t have anything to look forward to. I’m just lost and it sucks, and I know that a year from now things will be different and I will be laughing at myself for getting so depressed. I’m just so caught up in it now and I don’t know what to do…
September 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm
-
Before I was married I had never heard of Post Nuptial Depression, which is strange to me because I suffer from Depression, Anxiety and OCD already, (not the ritual type of OCD, but the obsessive unwanted thoughts). Growing up I’ve heard about Post Partum depression but never Post Nuptial depression.
I love my Husband; he is my best friend and the only man I would ever want to spend the rest of my life with. I look up to him and love his family. We laugh all the time together and I know he is always there for me. But after the honeymoon I felt like I had nothing to look forward to anymore. I have crossed the line to the married side. The year before I was totally preoccupied with school, work and daydreaming about the biggest day of my life, it never occurred to me I would feel so sad when it was over. It’s like all your life you always knew you were going to get married but never to who, or when it would happen until one day it comes and goes. Just like that. All the frills, excitement, and people dotting over you are gone. But it’s not exactly the attention that you miss, it’s the idea that something you lived with your whole life as a little girl and now grown women is suddenly over. I feel guilty, and ashamed it’s over, like I’ve done something wrong, even though I know I didn’t.
Why am I carrying around all this dread with me? I feel like I fell off a cliff. I was laid off from my job, school was out for the summer and the wedding is over. I drove myself crazy this summer just thinking and worrying. I just feel like there’s all this pressure. I know these are irrational thoughts but I can’t stop thinking them. I want our marriage to be perfect and I want to last forever with him.
Since after the honeymoon my medicine hasn’t worked, I can’t help but feel sad, alone, depressed and can’t stop thinking of horrible things. I’ve even switched medicine and it hasn’t helped. I don’t know if there’s anything else going on with me. I just want to go back to the way I was. I hope school, and with the help of a new medicine, will bring back who I really am.
October 20, 2009 at 6:46 am
MR
We’ve been married for a month. The night of our wedding I didn’t really eat all day and ended up completely bottoming out. At around 3am I was in the bathroom of the hotel dry heaving and having a panic attack. Something was seriously wrong. For the first day or two I was up and down about the marriage thing, but mostly down. I had gone right back to work on Monday, no time off, and I realize now that it was a mistake. Still, it’s been 4 weeks and I can’t get over this depression and hopelessness. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake in getting married. He’s a wonderful man – sweet, caring, supporting, funny…etc. – and I’m lucky to have him in my life. I just wish that I knew that I had made the right decision and that I was happy. A lot of the above have had an effect on me: loss of identity and independence, wanting it to go back to the way it was, stressful work and school, feeling like I’ll never be the “bride” again….but I can’t move past it! I’m so frsutrated and I’ve been really honest with my new husband – and it’s hurting him to know that I’m not happy with our marriage. What do I do? I’m seeing a therapist and they’ve put me on medication.
December 14, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Lost
Wow! I”m sooo glad to have found this site. I can totally relate to every single post. I was so scared I was all alone. I just got married in July. Ihad the perfect wedding in Jamaica. I must admit that I had feeling of worry and undecisivness right after I got married. I think the whole shock of becoming a wife, a new identity, everything happening so fast, all these emotions going on, that I just didn’t know how to process it all. My husband is a wondeful, sweet and caring man, but it seems that everything he does irritates me. I loved his dearly before we got married, and he hasn’t changed, so it’s obvious it must be me. When people ask how marriage is, I get sad inside, because I can’t honestly answer “great!”, “it’s the happiest time of my life”! I have to smile and say great knowing I’m lying inside. I do love my husband, and jus want to feel the same way I felt before we were married. I”m scared to death, that I made a mistake, or it’s just something else. Reading all ofthese posts and knowing that i am not alone; gives me so much comfort. If only I can know that it’s going to be ok….
December 18, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Similar Situation
My husband and I got married six weeks ago out of circumstance more than anything else. I’d lost my job, was going to lose my apartment, had no health insurance, and couldn’t afford COBRA. Even though we were planning on getting married anyway, everything got pushed up. Because of that the whole thing felt rushed. I didn’t have an engagement ring, I got my dress off the rack a month before the ceremony (and could barely breathe the whole night in it) and we never got to enjoy any time being engaged. Now that the wedding is over I’m in this funk because I feel like I missed out on something that I’ll never again get the chance to experience. I feel silly and selfish, because I was never the time of woman to think about her “dream wedding.” But still, I feel a little depressed. I hope that in time I’ll be able to fully appreciate what’s most important – my husband and my marriage – and not some party.
January 1, 2010 at 10:16 am
Desperate
Thank you to all of you who have shared your experiences. “So Tired” is right to say that we benefit from telling our story AND knowing other people have been there.
My husband and I were married in August. Within those four months, I have experienced a lot of changes. I gave up my job and moved away from a close network of friends so we could both live in the city he worked, his job kept him from home 10+ hours a day, I was job hunting and spent most days alone in the house filling out applications and doing housework. Two years ago I struggled though a severe 6-month bout of anxiety and depression, so I was educated and knew that was where I was heading. I deliberately got out of the house–didn’t matter the reason, you just have to push yourself out the door some days–and volunteered for a homeless outreach, taught English to a gentleman from China, and took a 9-week tax preparation course hoping to later be hired.
As soon as the course ended in November, my husband and I moved to another city (he got a much better-paying job at a military base). However, our new town is 2 hours away from all of our friends and family and several major businesses I was used to. My husband has to commute 45 minutes each way to work, so we still don’t get to spend very much time together. We haven’t found a church we like either. I did get hired to prepare taxes in 2010, and just getting the job was a huge answer to prayer. I am supposed to begin on Monday.
But for the last three weeks I’ve just felt sad. I felt unmotivated to go into the office until tax season. I started declining calls from friends or not calling them back (for no reason whatsoever). I feel torn between my role as a new wife–cooking, cleaning, taking care of finances, trying to get in the mood for sex–and my career. I would prefer to quit my job before it starts. Thinking about going into the office makes me anxious. Even when it’s sunny outside, I sleep in late and leave the blinds closed all day. And I desperately want to make new friends, but I feel anti-social.
I finally admitted this stuff to my husband last night. He stuck with me through the dark depression I went through two years ago, and he’s understanding but also a very logical, do-the-right-thing-when-I-don’t-feel-like-it kind of guy. I hated to admit that I’m still struggling to manage stress and anxiety and don’t have any “real” problems.
I know it will get better, but for now I just don’t know what to do and don’t want this to take a toll on our married life. If you can relate in any way, please let me know!
May 20, 2010 at 11:00 am
bliss to tears
I relate to you all…
In my mind, and yes, even in my heart, I know I am a very blessed woman. I realize that my blues are a result of a great deal of change in my current life, combined with my past experiences. I am deeply struggling to manage and to understand my identity and purpose — AGAIN! This time is different, though… before I could “justify” my depression because the marriages were rocky. Now, when I am essentially happy, or at least I should be, and my relationship is a great one — the one I’ve prayed for and dreamed of — I still feel so low. The most fantastic, loving, soul-mate of a husband does not stop me from feeling the internal abyss, sadness, anxiety, worthlessness, tiredness, loneliness, and irritability. I am starting counseling, with hope and confidence that this will pass. I wish you all bright, loving and joyful futures.
May 20, 2010 at 11:57 am
Bittersweet
Bliss to Tears (and everyone here),
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I got married July 27th, 2009 in Jamaica. I had the most beautiful wedding, in the most beautiful location. However, as soon as all of my family and friends started to board the buses to go back home, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness, lonliness, and loss. I felt like “what do we do know?” I was sad and depressed and scared, and didn’t understand what was going on, and why I was feeling so low, when I should have been on top of cloud 9. I have the most loving and supportive husband on the planet. He’s wonderful, but when I tried to talk to him about it, we got in a major arguement, because he coudn’t understand why I can’t just fight through it, and not let the feelings get me down. He got upset because he just wanted to “fix it”, and he felt that it was his fault that I was so upset and sad, and that it must be something he’s not doing, or that I regret marrying him or something.
The hardest part for me, is my lack of desire for sex. I literally have no desire most of the time. Like I would be perfectly fine without having sex at all; and I know I CAN’T be that way being a wife. I’m so scared and feel so alone, and know that it is my job to satisfy my husband, so I just make myself.
My mother came to visit me for week and I just took her to the airport last night, and cried like a baby, because I felt that sense of lonliness again, when she left. Like what do I do now?
No one sat me down and told me that I could have these feelings after I get married. I’m so grateful for this site, because I see there are so many people who are going through what I am going through, and that I am not alone.
I don’t want to loose my husband, although he say’s he will never leave me, and that he loves me uncondtionally, I still HAVE to get bettter, and want to get better. I’m supposed to be loving sex, on cloud 9, still in the honeymoon stages, right?
Thanks so much for reading my really long post, I just need a little help right now. I’m just sad most of the time, and am really thankful to have this site to help me get through this…
May 31, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Mrs Missing
I got married 8 months ago and I’ve been feeling more and more depressed. Has the depression gotten better for anyone out there? If so, how long did it take before you started feeling better? I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I can’t be blissfully happy, but I just can’t. I feel blah most of the time and it’s so hard to explain. I’m emotional about everything and start crying at the drop of a hat. I feel really alone, even though I’ve spent the last 8 years living on my own up until I got married. I’m not sure how it’s even possible to feel more lonely now that I’m not living alone. I don’t have any married friends and my single friends don’t really want to hang out with me anymore. I don’t fit in anywhere anymore.
August 4, 2010 at 12:51 pm
cathy
I fought with husband day before wedding, silly stuff, stress, tension. He put no effort into wedding. DAy of wedding he walkedd up to me before i walked down the aisle and said, “I hope we can make it.” He seems to think me getting emotional night before wedding is the worst thing in the world. Now we are married and i am so depressed. I look at him and think to myself I hate him, i made a mistake he has ruined my wedding day and my life. He avoids confrontation by running away. I am miserable and dont know what to do.
August 31, 2010 at 3:12 am
mrs confused
I’ve been married almost 2 weeks and I’m really starting to regret it. I’m young. 18 in fact. I just graduated high school, moved across country, and got married. All within 3 months. I have always struggled somewhat with depression. I used to self harm growing up and finally stopped when I met my husband. We fought a lot during the planning of the wedding. Mostly financial arguements. The wedding day itself and the short honeymoon was perfect. But now my husband still thinks he can go out after work and stay out til 6 or 7 am playing poker when I’m stuck at home with no friends because its a new town for me. I have no one to talk to, I just eat and watch tv all day. The eating has gotten so bad that I constantly over eat and end up feeling really sick. (I weigh 120 pounds, so I’m not over weight. Yet.) Its really bringing me down and I can feel myself fighting the urge to cut myself and I hate that feeling. I’m just not as happy as I thought I would be. I’m getting angry at my husband over small things… I just don’t know any other way to cope since I don’t have any friends here. My husband doesn’t know how I feel right now, but its at the point where I cry for hours because I think I made a mistake…
October 22, 2010 at 8:02 am
Jubi
What a fresh wind of comfort to know that I’m not alone with post-nuptial depression! I was googling newlywed depression and was brought here. I have been married 2 months now, but still feel a lurking sense of impending humiliation for the unknown future. My husband is a very smart man who has had inferiority issues all his life about his short height and plain appearance. I tried to make him feel better, but it seems he only feels significant when he can say that he’s at least better than me–intellectually, socially, economically, academically. His comments about my unsurprising clumsiness or forgetfulness are slowly eating me up. Instead of trying to build me up, I feel like he’s afraid I would excel him and make him feel worthless. I had been patiently taking in all the flak and even bearing with his condescending father. This resentment has been growing deep inside of me, and there were times when I wanted to run away. At best, I want to take vengeance by getting employed at some higher paying profession, or even go back to school for higher degrees. This can’t be healthy, but I feel like I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into marrying this man. Yet, I also know that I would very much prefer being his wife than being a single old woman without her own family all her life. I just need to live out the faith that I am loved not for my usefulness to others, but just for existing–as my husband put it. Now it has to become a matter of thankfully responding to such love with the desire to build and cultivate existing relationships. Thank you for sharing this page with me.
November 5, 2010 at 11:02 am
Hols
I got married on October 23rd to a man who never fails to try. I dated a lot before I got married and went through some really jerks. When I found Todd and he treated me so differently, I found it easy to relax around him and be myself. I could be honest about anything and I knew he would not leave me. Todd has seen the best and worse of me and still chosen to stay. I think that is the main reason I picked him. I so badly wanted that type of love and security from a man. We bought a house, got married, and have been so incredibly blessed….so why am I unhappy?? I think like many of you, I had some expectations about how I thought married life would be. I waited so long to find the guy and marry him that when I did, I felt let down. Is this it? Did I make the right decision? These are the questions that keep running through my mind. All I want to do is feel certain. I feel so alone in this feeling. I talked with him about it a couple days ago and I know to hear that I am unhappy, was a hard thing for him to shallow. Married life is not what I expected it to be. I have always been working towards something whether it be school work, house buying, wedding…now I feel like I have reached the end. I deffinately am not interested in the kid thing. I just so badly want to find some direction again. I want to keep some of myself.
December 18, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Amanda
Just reading everyone’s comments makes a world of difference to me. For 2 months now I have been wondering why I feel this way, when I have been soo blessed. I know getting married to my wonderful husband was the right thing and a good decision, but why am I now ruining it with my depression? No one told me it might be hard to accept my new role as a wife, that I might feel like I have to hold the world on my shoulders, that I have to take care of everything and try to live up to the great wife and mother my mom is, and please his family.
We both work, but I also try to take care of everything else..cooking, cleaning, shopping. I want to be the little house wife, but I work 50 hours a week. He doesn’t understand because he is willing to help with everything, he sees how stressed and upset I’m making myself but I can’t get through it. I argue, cry, feel worthless, not pretty enough and just put a damper on everything. Its not on purpose but I just can’t help it, I’m stuck in this rut.
We were married almost 1 year from the first time we met, so everything was real quick. I didn’t get to enjoy being engaged, enjoy or plan the wedding like I wanted to and we haven’t gone on the honeymoon yet, this march (4months later) cause planning the wedding was time crunched. It’s been 2 months and I’m exhausted so I’m going to get help and I’m confident it will work. Thank you for reading and good luck to you all.
December 20, 2010 at 10:24 pm
Me Too
We were married in March, and the first 5 months were terrible. The first couple days of the honeymoon were good, and after that, things just got worse and worse. I became very irritable. I was super emotional, and felt really depressed. In August things reached a low point. We were really distant. I seriously wondered how we could possibly make it. I tried really hard to be nicer, and it’s gotten a lot better since then.
I still feel depressed sometimes though. It kind of sucks because it feels like I’m not a person anymore. It’s like my husband thinks I shouldn’t have hobbies, and I should be an excellent homemaker. He gets upset because I don’t know how to organize our house. I’m not filthy, I just don’t know where to put things when they don’t have a place to go…and we’re living in a little house that doesn’t even have drawers in the kitchen! We both want to have kids, but he has all of these requirements I’m supposed to meet. Like, our house needs to be organized, and I’m supposed to start a business and have clients, etc. When he isn’t feeling well, he tells me he can’t imagine how he can have kids with me, because how will I ever manage to keep the house clean when we have kids…? I hate when he says that. I feel like he has totally unrealistic expectations about what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel so lonely! I used to have a lot of friends before I started dating him. How come I try so hard to make him happy, and he doesn’t do the same for me? It’s just hurdle after hurdle, and a lot of times marriage is nice, but a lot of times I just hate it. I hate that he wants to control me. I hate that he forgets that this is my life too. And then he’s so critical of me, and I feel even more depressed, and get less done, and I just get in trouble again.
I really want to be happy. I am SO sick and tired of being held responsible for things I don’t know how to do. When we were dating, we used to do home improvement projects together. A couple months after we got married, we bought a fourplex, and now I’m supposed to be becoming a property manager. I don’t know what I’m doing, though, so obviously everything takes more time and money than it would if I did know what I was doing.
I’ve gained some weight since we got married, and he keeps reminding me that he would really like me to lose weight. I’m not technically “overweight,” though–just to him.
I try so hard every day…but I just feel overwhelmed. I’m tired. He’s a pretty good guy, but I think he’s not very good at being my husband. I’m getting tired of all of the criticism. I don’t want to be single. I want us to be happily married. But isn’t anything ever good enough? When I ask him that, he says I’m good enough, but even if something’s good enough, of course you’re going to want better. That sucks.
Is this how my life is going to be? Is this what I was looking forward to? I want to go sleep for a month. Or a year.
December 21, 2010 at 11:09 am
Depressed & Worried
I was living an hour away from my fiancée when we were engaged, and only got to see him on weekends, so I’ve been looking forward to living with him for a long time. Then 2 weeks ago I moved in. We’re essentially married, but are still planning the ceremony, so we have that stress hanging over us. I love him and do everything that I can for him. I get up early with him and help him get ready for work. I cook and clean more than I ever have before. I try to understand his hobbies and jobs, and I try to be upbeat and optimistic. Over the last week or so, though, I’ve felt like I’m not doing a good enough job. Sometimes he gets annoyed with the topics I bring up to talk about. He gets annoyed with my ignorance in some areas. He wants me to try and do things, but when I try and understand and ask questions I just drive him crazy. I feel like I spend my time with him trying to make sure I don’t say anything wrong. Usually when he gets upset with me we resolve things somewhat fairly quickly, but lately I’ve felt that he probably shouldn’t subject himself to someone who drives him crazy for the rest of his life. He says that overall I do make him happy and am worth having around, but I have been having my doubts. Now I sleep all the time, am tired all the time, just want to eat all the time, and never want to have sex. He even gets annoyed that I’m so tired all the time. I feel like I should leave now before we’re legally stuck with each other. I think I may have to talk to him about this sometime, but I’m afraid of how he’ll react. I’m trying to figure out if this depression will go away of if I need to get out before it’s too late.
January 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm
Susan Allen
Wow…I just started searching online for my symptoms and found this whole postnuptual depression thing! I’m on my second marriage, having been widowed in 2008 at the age of 38. I am SO blessed just like how others say they have been. I have NO regrets but I am becoming increasingly depressed as time wears on. Between sinus issues this fall, now commuting 45 minutes when I used to commute 2 miles and my husband is away so much during the week working hard in his new promotion, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with myself…yea…I could clean, crafts, cook, go to the library, go out with friends, but I really don’t feel like any of it. Then, when he’s finally home, I am too sullen to want to really connect or go out, etc. I have to tell him the truth and ask for his support to get through this. God Bless you all…your marriages are such a blessing and you made your choices for a reason. I wonder if we all just need to know WHO we are now that life has changed so much. What do WE want separate from the “WE” of a couple and what would make us fulfilled and happy so that we can bring that centeredness and joy back into the relationship. Thanks for all your posts!!
March 4, 2011 at 1:12 pm
SHELLY
I am so glad to read that I am not the only person going through this. I have suffered from depression my whole life but it’s never been this bad or lasted this long (of course not counting my mother’s death where I was depressed for 6 months).
It’s gotten to the point where I start wondering why I got married because I start thing of past issues and arguments that we had prior to marriage.
My dad left when I was a baby (leaving 4 sick kids behind to be with the “other woman”) and I get afraid that will happen to me and then I find myself depressed about something that didn’t even happen and probably never will.
I can’t help the way I feel….it’s just there and it’s there 24/7.
April 27, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Vinny
WOW! All I can say is that reading this article and all these comments have given me such an overwhelming sense of relief! I’ve been trying to figure out what’s happened to me recently and I just Googled “post-honeymoon blues” and found this!!
Now, I’m not married yet but I am engaged. My fiance and I have had a long-distance relationship the ENTIRE time (he lives in Denver, CO and I’m in DC) since we met. We met in July ’10 online, and from then til January of this year we’ve only seen eachother in person twice (for a grand total of 20 days).
We started out on the best of terms, the whole “so-in-love” thing; all the typical definitions of how you feel when you’re just starting out as a couple.
But lately (for the past 2-3 weeks) I’ve had this crushing (and frankly debilitating) sense of unhappiness and depression towards him and our relationship. I’ve had absolutely NO clue where it was stemming from and I’ve thought that I’m literally going crazy. I’ve been having these extreme emotional bouts: bawling for no reason (anything can set me off), snapping at him when we talk over the phone, being terse and short when we text, and generally having no desire to talk to him or anything. I’ve been swinging from this depression to occasional sparks of those first feelings of passion. It’s been taking over my life really.
We’ve been planning for months for me to move out to Denver to be with him but I’ve started to grow apprehensive for no reason. HE hasn’t changed at all; in fact last night after I left my class to call him (yeah, I LEFT CLASS, crazy huh? smh) and I started to cry and whatnot, he said that it’s all been in my head. That nothing’s wrong with him; he loves me just as much as when we first met, and that he has NO clue as to why I’m “being so irrational”. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just being scared of the loss of the passion I had in the beginning of the relationship, coupled with the fact that I’m isolated out here (no real friends and no family, and I HATE my roommate with whom I share an apartment), and the fact that I haven’t seen him in almost 6 months.
Anyways, since I’ve now pinpointed the cause of my loss of mental clarity I finally feel genuinely hopeful. Hopefully I can pull myself out of this horrid funk (or at least try to) and keep in mind that this is only a temporary stage, and also remember why I fell in love with him the first place. Besides, HE hasn’t changed, it’s all in MY head, sheesh.
I’m glad that I’m not alone though…..now I just gotta hang on until June gets here *sigh* One more month, only one more month *crosses fingers desperately* >_<
June 19, 2011 at 5:32 pm
just married
I just got married a week ago and have been feeling depressed ever since. I have been treated by a physician for depression in the past and currently taking medication that helped me until now. I had a hard time letting go of my maiden name. ( My now husband would tell me if I didn’t take his name he wouldn’t marry me). We have been together for 5 years and living together for 2, nothing has changed, I cannot understand why I am feeling this way. Is there anyone else feeling this way? I am hoping this is just a stage I am going through. Alot of people who see me know are always calling me mrs and by my new last name but I just smile so they don’t see if bothers me, but it does.
August 23, 2011 at 2:24 pm
sad and confused
Hi “Just Married” I got married in may and then on my honeymoon fell and was stuck at home for an additional 4 weeks. One may think it’s awesome but I couldn’t go any where or even move. I finally went and did the whole name change thing so we could cash our checks and pay the bills and had a mental break down. My last initial stayed the same so when people asked me to spell my last name (for signing shipments and such) I would stutter “its Kkkkk..kkk..kk…” and then shout “I don’t know” . It was so hard adjusting to everything and trying to change to my new name. Also feeling like I was saying goodbye to my family since I was just dropping their name. I completely understand what you’re going though. I feel the same. Hope this helps in any way.
July 6, 2011 at 7:57 am
Back to basics
How wonderful to know that there are other woman feeling the same way. I got married on the 26th of March. My husband and I dated for a year(long distance), but knew each other for 3 years. Since I met him, he has been my Romeo, I won’t be able to live without him. Thing is, I get times when I feel like I can run away.
Because we were in a long distance relationship, we never really had time to get to know each others family and friend. Fact is that we come out of two different places. This is making me sick to the bone. Small things, example: I hate being late, and he has all the time in the world. How do you ever make peace with that?
Some days I can’t wait to see him, other days I don’t even care. I snap at every chance I get. And because I am being such a grumpy ugly person, I feel like he deserves better. I have also gained some weight, and that makes me feel even worse about myself. I think this might be the reason for me not being interested in making love. How can he love me? I am constantly being rude, arguing, getting cross over nothing and treating him like a pig, and above all, how can he want to make love to me after I have gained a few pounds?
I try my best in being a good wife, I get up first in the morning, give him his clothes, make coffee, make his breakfast, make him a lunchbox for work, make the bed and then go to work. When I get back from work I make supper, trying my best to make it a great supper. Then we take a shower, and by then I just want to go to bed and sleep. Sometimes he tries to fool around, but most of the time I don’t reall feel like that. And this is where the bad wife comes in. I try so hard being a good wife, but I fail being a fun and happy wife, always ready to fool around and understanding.]
So I guess I have post-nuptial-depression. Fact is: I LOVE MY HUSBAND, I JUST NEED TO GET CONTROL OF MYSELF!!! We can’t let this get us down. Let us get back to basics, fall in love from scratch, try to remember what it is that makes our hearts beating!!!
August 15, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Wrenn
Wow! I finally know what has been going for nearly 13 years! Right after my husband and I got married I spent a lot of time crying, wondering what i done. I missed my freedom. At times I still miss my freedom. But I married a great man. We have spent time in counseling and seem to be on an upswing. I am learning to do my own my thing again and that it is OK I can still be ME and be married.
I just wish I had know 13 years ago what what was going on. I could have found support and adjusted sooner. I could have found support to work through my anxiety.
I recommend that if you have close friends, stay in touch. That is one mistake I made. I lost touch with my friends. But I am working on reconnecting. It helps. You need friends!
August 23, 2011 at 2:28 pm
sad and confused
So reading all of this and feeling like I’m not so crazy now…does anyone have any suggestions or ways to help get through this without therapy? I just feel so sad that my big life event is over and we tried to rush and do it in 8 months so my grandma could be there but she past away 2 weeks before the big day. I really am having a hard time with this and feel silly telling my friends and family. Just hoping it goes away…
September 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm
Victoria
Keeping yourself busy and pushing yourself to do things on your own will help a lot. It is something I struggle with (though I never did before).
I always feel better when I return from a night out with the girls or a workout at the gym.
September 4, 2011 at 10:26 pm
Grace
I am so grateful for this website!!! My husband and I just got married in March and I have been very depressed for the past two months. We just bought a house and we had lived together for two years before. This has been one of the most confusing times in my life ever! I’m just scared that I made a mistake and now I can’t take it back. I love this man to death and I would do anything for him. I have been getting counseling and it is getting a little better but it’s just hard because he doesn’t understand and I feel like he thinks that I don’t love him. But it is sooo great to see similar posts to the way I am feeling. Thank you for that. <3 <3
March 26, 2012 at 10:45 am
Sad one
I got married one mth ago and its crazy how I feel I love my husband and I know hes the one for me but just dont get why I feel this way it sucks dont want to do anything anymore
September 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm
Victoria
Grace, Same here!
This site makes me feel so much better. I, too, got married in March and have been dealing with all these feelings. I just wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself! It’s terrible.
It seems like this depression really comes and goes. I feel like I don’t know what my purpose is in life now and I don’t know if children will be part of that picture.
My husband is doing his best to understand. I went to counseling briefly, but think I should go back.
I will keep checking back for sure.
October 18, 2011 at 12:23 pm
sayr
I can really relate to all you wonderful woman, and this blog made me feel so good!Just to know that this is a common and normal reaction after a wedding calms me down. I can’t believe that one out of ten brides experience this, but we hear so little about it.
I believe that post-nuptial depression deserves much acknowledgement and should definitely be defined as a common depression alongside fx. post-natal depressions. I got married in August and since my wedding, I’ve been so low and feeling confused/empty inside and as if all my hopes and dreams for the future was gone. I have a wonderful husband, and should be the happiest person in the world right after my marriage, but I’ve been feeling so low ever since the wedding. It is not that I’m missing the attention, excitement etc. from the wedding, it is caused by the stress and pressure I’ve put on myself for several months leading up to my wedding.
Post-nuptial depression is definitely a stress related depressive illness that can and should be treated, as you would with post-natal depression. It’s a curse of the strong, powerful and ambitious brides!
I will definitely follow this site…
Best of luck ladies <3
October 26, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Sofy
I can’t believe so many feel lie I do. I got married a couple months ago, honeymoon was a real let down… it was like it was a vacation to him to do what he liked not our time..so it was lonely. Then, and he is a sweet and loving guy, I found out we had serious financial issues he had not shared because he was embarrassed, and so the money I had as a cushion to move to his state etc… is gone. He feels awful, but I feel worse… I just lost that sense of security, you know? I am in his home area, so I am totally alone and everyone expects me to be so happy. I hardly leave the home anymore, I don’t take the time for me to pretty up as I used to in the mornings, I feel … I don’t even have words. I am totally disenchanted and have lost my fight.
March 22, 2012 at 4:50 pm
wedding-day blues
I got married about a week ago. Our seven month old daughter cried during the ceremony, and I ended up having to hold her during our vows! Despite the fact there were 10 other adults there with children, no-one seemed to know what to do! She also was very unsettled during the dinner afterwards, and my husband and I spent most of the dinner trying to feed her and settle her, while everyone sat and watched us! Although it was our choice to have our daughter at the wedding and not have a babysitter, I feel a bit angry and hurt that we were so pre-occupied during the dinner, I barely had a chance to speak to anyone!
The day after the wedding, I spent the whole day in the hotel room in tears! Now, just feel sad and down. Has anyone else had a similar experience??
So interesting to see that a wedding day may not be everything it is cracked up to be! Our wedding was simple, but still turned out to be complicated!
May 19, 2012 at 10:54 am
ScottishBride
I am so glad to see I’m not alone. I do believe these feelings are natural and all part of the transition. Please go and check out http://www.conscious-transitions.com. It’s a website dedicated to this. It’s helping me immensely. It will help you too.
June 8, 2012 at 9:06 am
The Housedaughter
Thanks to all for the supportive words, and sharing what you are going through. I feel the same way. Married in May, and things have not been quite right in our relationship. Things were great the day after. We were so happy, and then it slowly started to wear away. I guess reality sunk in. A month in, and I started feeling anger towards my in-laws and husband for no apparent reason. I feel that my husband is feeling somewhat the same way – disappointment, stress – and he is not able to and is unwilling to try to verbalize it. It never seems to be a good time to talk about it. I am likely even the cause of his unhappiness. I feel terribly guilty about not being able to be happy, and not being able to socialize as much as him with his friends. I am also employed only part-time, and waiting for graduate school to start. We are still unsure of our living situation next year, and might opt to live apart because neither us is willing or able to commute. I am upset because I tried so hard to accommodate everyone, including myself, in choosing a graduate school so that we could be together, and yet, it is causing even more stress in our relationship (buying a house/renting with this new debt because of my grad school). I am going to the park now because it is a sunny day, but honestly, it’s a good day if I can get out of the house by noon. I’ve lost my appetite, and have been tearing up every night and every morning for the past few days. I am ENCOURAGED to see that the owner of this blog has celebrated her second anniversary, so Mazel!
June 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm
julie
Omg…this is how I feel. edging me crazy. I love my new husband. he makes me so happy ..then why am I so sad
June 21, 2012 at 9:24 am
Julie
wow, so glad I am not the only one. I am so in love with my husband and I could not be happier!…so I cant figure out why I am so sad. I feel like Im going crazy. I just want life to slow down and let me love my new husband. since weve returned from our honeymoon it has been total crazyness. Jumped back into work right away, and work is crazy…every weekend has been something major…I just want to lay in his arms and look into his eyes and just take each other in for a minute!!!
June 21, 2012 at 9:25 am
Julie
Oh and weve only been married for 6 weeks
July 17, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Sammyjo
I was so pleased to read all these reports – I thought I was completely crazy! I got married 3 months ago to the kindest man but I woke up 3 days ago feeling so depressed. I cried all the way to work for the last 3 days – this is not like me at all. I’m trying to figure out what has got into me and see why I have completely lost the plot. I don’t want to talk to him about it – I just want to be left alone. The last thing I want to do is sabotage our relationship and it feels like that is just what I’m doing. I feel as if now that we are married he is going to get tired of me really quickly – when we were dating it was fine because he CHOSE to be with me -but now he HAS to be. It’s a crazy way to think and we are still newlyweds – my husband can’t understand where this has all come from – and neither can I.
August 10, 2012 at 4:10 am
Kate
I feel so lost. I’ve been married for just 3 months and I’m depressed. I recently went on antidepressants for PMDD. My gynecologist said my emotional outbreaks that occur before my period are related to underlying feelings I have and that I need to see a therapist. I was resistant at first, but now I realize it is my husband and married life. I sleep a lot and haven’t been keeping up with the house work. I heard the first year of marriage can be tough, but I didn’t know about newlywed depression. I didn’t think anything would change since we lived together, but it has. My husband seems to be very controlling lately and it is making me shut down. He is acting fatherly and getting mad at me for sleeping late and making comments about my eating habits. I have tried talking to him about it, but he is still doing it. I’m not perfect, but he knew who I was before we got married. So why is he acting like this?
August 31, 2012 at 4:48 pm
M&M Porter
Thanks, everybody. I really hadn’t wanted to acknowledge I was depressed, but it sounds like that’s exactly what’s happening. My husband & I exchanged vows just over 1 week ago (10 days exactly), but I don’t remember feeling this miserable. I thought it was because I was lonely, and missing him (we’ve maintained a long-distance relationship for 4 1/2 years), but it’s because I feel like I married someone that changed right before my eyes! I told him what kind of Wedding I’d dreamed about: nothing fancy, simple but romantic was just fine with me. I didn’t get that; in fact, I got the pragmatic verson. We said our vows in front of a Minister, and had to make trips back and forth from his office to the building where the Marriage License was issued. I was so blue that day, I burst into tears about 1 1/2 hours before the big moment. I’m old enough to admit this is perhaps one of the dumber mistakes I’ve probably made, but I’m too stubborn and embarrassed to admit it openly and quit.
September 5, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Kate
I feel the same way and I too feel embarrassed that I married someone who doesn’t make me happy. I went to my therapist and I came to the conclusion that I need space from my husband in order to sort out my feelings. I finally told him tonight how I feel and he is upset, but it had to be said. Try not to feel embarrassed and find someone you trust to talk to. You have to stand up for yourself in order for your marriage to have a fighting chance.
Katie
September 2, 2012 at 10:34 pm
Mary
My husband seems distant. I don’t know if I am overreacting or being super emotional. We’ve been married for almost 7 months…I haven’t even sent out my thank you notes which makes me feel horrible. I just don’t have the energy nor the patience. I married my bestfriend, he’s perfect but I can honestly say i feel like he honestly doesn’t love me. Which is crazy because at the same time i know he does. I avoid friends and social functions. I feel like a complete burden to my in laws. It’s straining our relationship, he doesnt even kiss me goodnight anymore. I miss him, us. Me. It’s nice to know im not alone.
October 12, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Lynn
Mary, I’m feeling the same thing. I’m reading these posts on a Friday night after he left to go to our friend’s and I stayed home alone because we fought instead of talking about what was going on. We’ve been married just over two months. He turned into a different person from the day we married. Are things improving for you?
September 6, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Victoria
I got married in October 2011. Did not get a chance to have a honeymoon yet due to commitments such as new job and Grad school. We always had our share of arguments, we dated 5 yrs, lived together 3 yrs & purchased our home before marriage. Its now almost 8 yrs total, no kids. Love & faith always kept us together. A few weeks after our wedding, I started feeling rejected, unwanted. I actually cried the night of our wedding, I guess I realized that I was scared. He could not understand why I was crying. It’s now almost a year and every month that went by things only getting worse. He packed and left twice, stating our arguments were not healthy and space/ time would help. We have gone too counciling and I have put both feet forwards a solution, but I feel he has not. Last week after our therapy session, we agreed to stop fighting, name calling and drinking. All was going good until he decided to spend a day out on his own Saturday and stay out & return the following day in the afternoon. I had a huge problem with his actions which led to huge fight and him leaving. We have not spoken or seen each other since Tuesday. I wondering if he even wants to be with me. We have threatened each other with divorce and separation. I feel betrayed, abandoned after he left. Should I just follow through and file for divorce? Or am I giving up too soon? I feel he always has 1 foot out the door. As far as intimacy, which declined throughout our almost 8 yrs relationship. Especially after our wedding. Once a month is too much, and its up too him and when & how he wants too. I have tried seducing him and was turned away, which made me feel worse. And I walked in on him masterbating while watching porn on his lap top. I felt soo hurt, he apologized and said it was not me. Soo many weekends especially in the past few months were spent with silent treatment, sleeping in separate beds, no intimacy. I have expressed my concerns about these issues from the start and he would just say it would pass but it has only gotten worst. He ends up leaving and hanging out with his friends who are mostly dating/ & or single and comes home whatever time it pleases him. I feel he is not trying enough. I asked him a few times if we can take a long weekend vacation away and focus on us 2. Have a honeymoon that we never had. Although he agrees, he takes not innitative and when I present him my detail plans he sounds not interested or motivated? I don’t think he wants to be here. Should I do him the favor and let him go? I love him sooo much and cannot see myself living apart from him. But I feel as if I’m the only one who feels this way. He says I’m the most important person in his life but I don’t feel this way. Not sure what to do. I also have not sent my thank you cards or even picked out the pictures for our album. I get sad just thinking about things changed after that day.
September 7, 2012 at 11:23 am
Anab
Divorce. You do not love him “so much” … you are stuck with the familiar and scared to move on. If you loved each other “so much” it would not be like it is. It is call codependency. Just free yourself and him. You won’t know if he (and you) really want each other under these conditions. No kids right now is a blessing. If you had life troubles and stress caused this…maybe you could believe there is love left… but you two are just making each other miserable. Was this needy woman who he fell in love with… or him as he is ….??….no. be the hero of the relationship and change locks, ask him to move with his friends, and move on. How much more misery do you need?
September 13, 2012 at 7:18 am
Tina
I have been married for 4 months and nearly every day I have wondered if I have made a mistake. I got divorced a year and a half ago from a man who was very self centered andspiritually and emotionally abusive. My new marriage to my current husband seemed to be all the good things that I never had before but in reality I have a new set of problems. For example on Sunday I overslept and we missed the early service at church. No biggie I thought we can just go to the second service. But he was angry and said that the whole day was ruined and that he was’t even going to go at all now. We had no other plans for the day and I get up at 430 for work so I think I really needed to sleep in. He shuts down and won’t talk to me. Last night he was on fb when I was trying to talk to him. He wouldn’t even make eye contact with me and said that he was doing his thing on fb-talking to people but he couldn’t talk to me. He is also in a band and gets drunk everytime they play. He thinks I am out of it since I don’t get drunk. He does do things around the house which is what I never had before but he gets attitudes and won’t talk to me or he stays int he garage drinking beer. Is he immature or an alcoholic. He refuses to go to a counselor. He hates it when I say that I miss him when he goes and plays with the band-and that I want to keep him away from his friends. And he is 50 years old! He moved from another state to be with me and marry me. Do I just need to give it time for adjustment or what?
October 6, 2012 at 6:31 pm
Tired of this
This is right where I am at! I just got married in May and have been an emotional wreck ever since. The first month was nice then everything started to go down hill after that. At first I thought it may be my BC pills. then i went off of that for a month and i still feel the same way. I feel like I have lost my independence lost my identity. Married life is not like the movies or fairy tales. I go back in forth in my mind on a weekly basis asking myself if i have made the right choice. If married life is for me. If he and I met and got married too soon. He is a wonderful man. He is so caring and he just wants the best for us but i often feel as though i am bringing us down. I am constantly negative. I have a negative word for everything and I pick fights and am always lethargic about everything. I used to run before we were married. I used to be active and have hobbies. Now i go to work and come home and veg on the sofa. I have even put on weight.
I am just glad that its not just me that is going thru this.
October 18, 2012 at 7:41 am
wholesoulconsciousness
I have been going through the same thing since I got married in August of this year. I have gained ten pounds and my husband only recently made a comment about how I’ve gained weight. I balled my head off because I never thought he would say anything about it to me. He didn’t comment to hurt me he only said it because he knows I’m sinking and thinks that if I start working out again than everything will go back to normal, maybe he’s afraid I will turn obese or turn into a lazy couch potato, I don’t know.
With the depression I feel like my entire life or everything about me has changed, not in a bad way but I feel like something was taken away from me or altered beyond repair. I don’t know if I will ever feel like myself again and I can’t explain this to him because he will feel like it’s his fault and want to fix it when he can’t.
I was very spiritually strong and knew who I was before I got married, I had a routine and goals to open a successful business and I was really going places in my life, now I don’t do a damn thing but try to figure out what the heck happened to me.
I cry over stupid things alot and I am starting to have a short fuze with my husband, hes always in my space, always asking me what’s wrong, always looking at me like I’m an alien and I dread him coming home from work to ask me what I did that day because I can’t say I did anything very productive.
I feel like i’m losing ME and I am having a really hard time adjusting to being married. I’m still in shock everytime my husband pays the bill, pays the rent, and forks out money for everything without batting an eye, it really overwhelmes me. I have a great husband and I love him to peices but I’m afraid that if I don’t figure out my problem and be the woman he married again than I will damage my marriage.
Thank you for sharing your feelings, I haven’t seen any other information on post marriage depression and I’m happy that I clicked on your blog. I had no idea that so many women were experiencing the same feelings.
Faye
October 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Birdie
Hello everyone, I read this crying, all your comments are so real and I connect with them deeply.
I am just back from 3 week tropical honeymoon. It was bliss and now I come home realising we needed the megabucks we spent on the wedding and honeymoon for house repairs and living costs. I feel so angry and stupid but my husband wanted the big wedding. Whilst on honeymoon I saw couples getting married on the beach, this is what I wanted, it would have been a lot cheaper and I wouldn’t be haunted by the things that went wrong on our wedding day – particularly the lack of help from bridesmaids and my groom spending too much time outside with guests when I needed him greeting evening guests with me.
I suffered very bad clinical depression around 2008-9 when my mum, who was my best friend died. The symptoms were as described, I couldn’t work or leave the house. Turning the washing machine on was even too much.
I’m scared of getting like this again. Where I live there is bad weather and much darkness.
I have a therapist who has helped me a lot but I can’t afford to pay for enough sessions.
I am becoming self employed and getting work is a fight. In my other job I’m over worked and badly underpaid. I spent all of mt 20′s studying but it hasn’t paid off.
I’ve spent last two days back from honeymoon crying, sleeping and looking at photos and webcam of the beach where we stayed.
My heart aches to be back.
Sending my heartfelt wishes to you all xx
November 6, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Stephanie
I have been married for over 3 years now and our marriage is still in the newlywed depression stage, sad to say. My husband has battled depression and anxiety problems for 5 years, unbeknownst to me, and we have finally started seeing a therapist a month ago. It’s funny to read blogs about how much sex is too much when you first get married, but I’d just like a kiss hello right now. My husbands undiagnosed problems contributed to my PND and professional help is really the only way we will both get better and move past all the previous hurt/pain. There are lots of us out here with these issues, so spread the word to friends and family.
November 26, 2012 at 2:55 pm
bridget
Okay, I don’t feel like such a horrible person anymore, after reading these. I just got married late September. All of the planning I guess stressed me out to the point that I had a grand mal seizure in my sleep, with my fiance at the time, in my sleep just 5 days before the wedding. I was fine, took my medicine like I was supposed, just felt a lil off that week. The night before the wedding we were hanging out in my fiance’s room, along with his groomsmen and my sisters. My sister and her husband are who I met him thru. That night we had been drinking, and some random girls showed up outside their room, and started to hang out. I got upset at my fiance then, telling him he should have had them leave. And asking him if that was what happened those guys nights away. I got very upset. I knew he didn’t know them and he wasn’t the one who invited them, but still I felt hurt. Next day all good, we got married! It turned out beautiful, and I can’t believe how fast the day flew by. Went on our honeymoon, fun! Got home, and now I feel useless.
Because of my seizure I am unable to drive, so I need rides to my part time job I have as a waitress. I hate my job and want to quit so bad, but he keeps saying we can when I am able to drive again. I am in this slump and I cannot get out of it. I don’t know what’s going on. If he goes out with his friends, which he doesn’t do too often, but he plays softball every week. So he sees his boys often enough. When he is with them its like I do not exist. I have no motivation to do anything. I tried starting on our thank you cards but I cannot get motivated enough to finish them. I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to go to work, and when people want to do things, I try to make up an excuse to stay home and do nothing. I truly hope this passes. I don’t like feeling like I already am a horrible wife or that this marriage is gonna be a down fall to me.. Divorce with us will not be an option. Unless someone strays or gets voilent. Old fashioned in that sense…
November 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm
bridget
I feel a little better knowing I am not weird. I got married just 2 months ago, and the planning was extremely stressful… I am not usually a stressed kind of person, but because of it all, somehow it caused me to have a grand mal seizure, 5 days before our wedding, in my sleep with my fiance. I did not have health insurance, but we went to the ER after he called 911 and had an ambulance sent. This whole ordeal cost us a great deal of money. Our1st true money matter as a married couple. I have been on medicine since before our wedding and been ok, I guess. The nght before our wedding, we were all hanging out in my husbands room, along with his friends and my sisters, part of our wedding party. We were drinking having a good time and these random girls come to the room outside in the back, on the lawn. I was a little annoyed, and my guy saw that, he didn’t tell them to leave, I got upset, yes I know, over reacted, but it was supposed to be our time sharing with OUR friends and family,not some random girls! Also, it made me wonder if that was the kind of thing that happens on their “boys nights out”… I mean, he can’t tell some girls to get the heckout? Whatever, I got a little to upset, had been stressingout about everything, then this the night before our wedding. The next day we got married, I apologized for over reacting. We went on our honeymoon had a blast, came home then back to reality.
I don’t know whats going on, but I feel as if I am not enough for him. He plays softball with his friends every week, and I know that he loves that, I try to be supportive. He has these tournaments he plays in sometimes also, or they will go out of town each year for them as well. He doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist when he is with his friends though, or it seems on my side of things. I feel that before we got married, he was my best friend, he would call me 1st to share things with me, whether he was telling me something he was excited about, venting about work, or even something his friend had done, everything. I really thought after getting married this would continue, or even happen more, but now I feel as if I am more of a burden.
Since my seizure, I am unable to drive, I do work, part time as a waitress, but I hate my boss. He is a cruel chinese man who seems to have no heart, but I cannot go looking for anything else, since I am dependent on my rides from my husband or my family… I am in this rut and feel so alone even though I live with my hsuband and have a loving and caring family I could turn to. I feel lost, hopeless, almost like I have no purpose. I do not enjoy doing things with my girl friends when I do have the chance when they are free, I try to make excuses to stay home. I truly hope this down feeling passes, because I used to be such an outgoing, fun loving girl… Now I feel like a total debbie downer…
November 27, 2012 at 7:32 am
Tina
Bridget, getting married is very stressful and you have additional stressors health-wise. Sometimes seizures and the meds that are needed to prevent further seizures can have side effects such as fatigue and depression. I would do a search and see what comes up and talk to your doctor. And I think it would be helpful to see a counselor. You doctor could probably recommend one or there might be one on staff at the same clinic.
You need to really focus on taking care of you right now. It sounds like your husband is struggling with the grown up responsiblities of being married too by acting like he is a single again and hanging with his friends and ignoring you. Your seizure probably scared him and he was not prepared to have to take care of you in this way. He needs to get into counselling too but don’t wait for him if he won’t go-get yourself there asap.
Hope this helps.
Tina
November 27, 2012 at 9:11 am
bridget
Thanks Tina. I guess it can be a side effect of depression for a small number of people, and fatigue and weird feelings are pretty common. I had a seizure when I was 18, was on meds for about a year then took me off, everything was fine, up until right before the wedding. Really I think I am just in this slump. After all of the planning, so much stuff to do, seems like practically NO down time to myself or me and my husband. Yes we went on a honeymoon, but you come back and back to reality. I’ll feel down for like a day then back to normal, as soon as I perk up or talk to someone. I guess married life right away you just figure would be all flowers and sunshine, and mostly it is actually. Just feel like we’re already losing the romance. I guess being so comfortable is way awesome, he’s the one i wanted to marry, the one I can always feel like myself with.
Do you really think counceling would help? I never wanted to have to go talk with a counselor, but if I have a real problem I would be all about it. I do know having that seizure did scare him, he told me he thought he lost me that night. I can only imagine how that was for him… He is such a caring man, he is the one person I know was meant for me. Its just when he gets with his friends, he acts like he’s not into me, lately anyways. I guess that can be pretty normal for some guys, but he never used to be this way. That is kind of my problem and it makes me feel even more lost. Thanks Tina, just reading these things makes me feel better…
November 27, 2012 at 10:15 am
claire
Since getting married 2 months ago i’ve been feeling really low. we’ve been together for 11 years, and have lived together for 3 years. When we first moved in together I absolutely hated it! We argued all the time and seperated for a while. I think this was because I was used to living alone, and really enjoyed my independance and solitude. Maybe i need to recognise that i’m not great with change, and it takes me a while to ‘get my head around things’.
I think another reason i feel so depressed since getting married is that my best friend of 12 years (we have been through everything together) didn’t turn up on the day of my wedding. I recieved a text 2 hours before the event telling me she had got really drunk the night before and missed the train! She didn’t even have the decency to call! I am so hurt by this, as i have supported her through heartbreak, miscarriage, family deaths, and her brother comitting suicide. I really don’t think i can ever forgive her for not coming. I only had a really small wedding of only 12 people, who I considered the most important and loved. I cried about this on the honeymoon. Since i got back i have only spoken to her once, she said she was sorry but i think the damage has already been done. I am truly bereft as she is really my only friend. I know best friends don’t grow on trees but i really can’t forgive her, for whatIi feel is a terrible betrayal.
What if i never find another best friend? My husband is lovely, but he is really busy with a new job, and running around after his 3 children. We havn’t really spent any quality time together since getting married. I’m a nurse and have to work a weekends to earn decent money. so therefore i feel awful about telling him how depressed i feel. I have also put on all the weight i lost for the wedding, which is making me feel ugly.
My husband is 20 years older than me, and as he already has 3 kids, has had a vasectomy and is adamant he doesn’t want any more. I met him when i was only 23 and have never wanted children… until recently. Now i am married EVERYONE is asking me if i’m going to have children. I am so tired and depressed with having to deal with all these questions. I really would love to have a child of my own but i know this is not possible, and with everyone going on about it all the time is really adding to my feelings of loneliness and depression. The fact that everywhere I turn someone is pregnant, has just had a baby or planning one does not help one bit. If anyone else says to me ‘you’ll be next’, I will scream! Because I know I can never have a child. Why is it that as a woman you have to justify your existence by having children? And if you don’t you are made to feel like a freak? I can’t help thinking to myself ‘is this it?’. I cant talk to anyone about any of my problems, as I feel like such a failure, and I know people will just say ‘well you knew he did’nt want kids’. I feel very bad as we do have a nice life, and are best friends. I should be grateful and count my blessings, but I just don’t know what to do.
November 27, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Tina
I’ve had best friends and family hurt me bad too but for every single one of us and we will all get hurt sometime, we have to choose to forgive whether we ever feel like it or not. Hanging on to unforgiveness keeps us in bondage. We forgive so we can be free. It sounds like your friend really felt bad about missing your wedding and that she didn’t do it on purpose. Maybe she felt sad about losing you to your husband and thought that things would be different now with you and her. Your relationship could grow even stronger when you work through this. Don’t give up on her! Best friends are not so easy to find.
I think you need to talk to your husband about your desire for kids. It is so normal to want them after you get married and not before. There is something about a legal union between a man and a woman that brings outs the maternal genes in us.That’s how it was to me. There are things that can be done medically to reverse his vascectomy-not sure it’s 100% guaranteed to work though. It’s OK to feel different about kids now-don’t fight it. Go with it and see where it leads. There are many babies without parents that need a home too you know.
Blessings, Tina
December 27, 2012 at 9:23 am
Too late
Boy am I glad I found this site. My husband and I got married this passed July and I thought I was ok up until a little over a month ago. Right now I’m a walking short fuse. Everything irritates me! We’ve been together 9 years, living together for 4. It hasn’t been a smooth ride. Since the beginning I’ve been doing the majority of all the compromising, living closer to HIS work
(takes me an hour to go to work so 2 hours of commuting), getting loans for his “career” plans that went down the drain and that we are still paying for, taking the backseat when it comes to sports (if there’s a game on forget about doing Anything together), doing the cleaning yet still working and commuting 55 hours a week… In-laws: yuck! ………..
All that to say I have Major resentment! He’s a great guy but I feel like he’s not for me and that I’ve just wasted 10 years of my life. I always wanted kids but if one more person asks me “if we’re planning…” I will blow up! I feel like I married a teenager! Can you imagine being married to a Teenager!?! My twenties flew by and I’m so scared my thirties will and I’ll be stuck in the same situation.
I could write for hours, but I won’t. Sadly I think I know my answer, I just need to find the courage to say the words…
Best of luck to all of you!
December 27, 2012 at 10:25 am
bridget
OMG! Do men never grow up? Do they just not listen? I mean, I LOVE watching sports, but he is starting to make me not enjoy them as much because if there is anything, any sport of any sort on, I am not alive anymore. I try to say a word to him, he doesn’t listen to me. We have only been together not even 3 years, married 3 months. I am so annoyed right now and know he’s a great guy, but just wish, he would put me ahead of all other things. His friends call, i get dropped in a second, and he’s gone. I did not sign up for this. We are supposed to be a team, and I already feel like we act like an old married couple. Feels like the way he ignores me and doesn’t listen to me and I am such a low priority is already a bad sign I have tried to talk tohim and he says he will work on this, but nothing changes. Ifeel miserable already.. Does this ever end?
December 27, 2012 at 11:17 am
Too late
Some people kept telling me (myself included) that it could be worse, like gamblers, abusive, alcoholics, cheaters… But after so many years of dealing with this addiction, for him sports IS an addiction, I have become a very bitter person! He’s a huge hockey fan and I mean HUGE. He doesn’t only root for the home team he’ll watch almost all games. NHL, juniors name it he saw it. He also plays on 3-4 teams which means 3 nights a week minimum (where I don’t see him at all).
He even travels to Europe for tournaments! Meanwhile, I used to have to beg to go away somewhere with him.
Also there’s hockey pools, pool S not pool, more then one. Lets say we’re out eating at a restaurant, he’ll check his phone numerous times as if there’s a national emergency!
Even with the NHL players being on strike we can always count on the NFL because he also loves football. There are several football pools as well.
And we cannot forget the trusty old Playstation!
You’ve probably watched the movie The Breakup, yep that’s us! Kill me NOW!
When did men stop being men? If only he focused some of that energy on other things like a career and figuring out what he wants to do with his life!
So much resentment I don’t know what to do with myself!
January 14, 2013 at 1:23 am
Worried
Well, I read all the comments here. BUT I HAVE A DIFFERENT PROBLEM,,,,I am still very much -INLOVE- as much as I love my husband. He still turns me on when I see him, and we have been dating and living together for 4 years. We only got married on the 22nd December 2012, and I am fine. We have a stunning baby boy of 7 months old, and everything is going great this past three weeks. OR SO I THOUGHT….I think my husband has the depression…His lack of interest in sex is very bad. He rejects me every night. He never used to drink every night, now he does. He isn’t talking to me anymore like he used to, and he is very distant. I am nice to him, and he will get aggressive and upset screaming and yelling at me, telling me I must stop being sarcastic and stop treating him like a child…And I really don’t. He quit smoking 2 weeks ago so I realize it can also be the reason…But he changed dramatically this last few weeks, and the weekend that just passed he actually went as far as saying he made a big mistake to marry me…He is 32 this year, and I am 25. So we are not TOO young. We don’t have any other children except our own little boy,
I just don’t know what to do…He wont go for counseling. He is the best husband financially, and used to be emotionally too…but everything changed..
ANY ADVICE??
How do I tell him I think he might be depressed…
January 14, 2013 at 10:32 am
Tina
wow-It sounds like something significant might of happened to him that he is not telling you about. Can you talk to any of his friends or family? Maybe if they know nothing they could talk to him and see if he will open up with them. I don’t know enough about what happens when one quits smoking but that could be what is happening too.
February 17, 2013 at 6:12 pm
Newly married 12.12
I am recently married and feel so worthless. My husband tells to call me a little girl (I’m 29) when we argue. He gets mad at me because I have to be on top of him to get things and a lot of the times when he gets to it, it is half-assed. Earlier he asked for my scissor (i keep in a drawer so it doesn’t get misused) and I explained not to use it on rough things so it doesn’t get damaged and he blew it out of proportion. I am just so frustrasted with the way he talks down to me when he isn’t that type of man, how he turns what I say into something much BIGGER, sex is okay, when I tell him not to leave a cup on a wooden piece of furniture without a coaster, his response is, “its fine” and that blows a fuse… His response to my suggestions are, “its fine!” Ughh!! Sometimes I just want to call it QUITS! I need help! I even suggested therapy and he says we just need to better communicate but I feel as if I communicate with him, he is just going to get me even more upset. ): I feel so sad, depressed, lonely, misearable, worthless.
March 1, 2013 at 2:38 am
Fighter
Hey ladies, thanks for sharing! 3 months down after our marriage and I felt the same too. It’s like this depression monster that is always lurking at a corner waiting to haunt me. I’ve never felt THIS depressed in my entire life :/ I find myself getting tired easily, not wanting to get out of bed, losing the sense of purpose though I have a pretty good job, helpless, I became this needy woman who’s easily irritated… I want the happy beautiful ME back desperately!!!
I’m figuring ways to defeat that depression monster, I guess depression is a thing we girls have to constantly wrestle with and overcome. Just want to share with you all and hope we can help each other out.
Firstly, I think what we’re doing here is the first step towards defeating it! By acknowledging our feelings and sharing it out does so much magic to our souls! I feel my burden being lightened whenever I share it with my girl friends. But be sure of who you share it to, if you want your marriage to be better, share it with someone you think is having marriage that works and gives good advice. The last thing we want is another hopeless rant.
Secondly, we should pamper ourselves well, we deserve it, owned it, no questions asked please! It’s TOO important for us to feel good about ourselves!
Thirdly, I guess exercise really helps to keep ourselves occupied and healthy. It’s kind of like we’re disciplining our hormones and say “Hey! Be good and stop playing tricks on me!”
Lastly, my continuous unfailing source of strength is prayer. Because whatever I cannot do, God can make it happen
I wish all the best to all your marriages! I believe we can defeat the monster, don’t lose hope!
<3<3<3 A big love shout out to all the girls who had loved, sacrificed and still holding on to love. The world go round because of you
March 24, 2013 at 5:05 pm
Abby
All these posts bring me a sense of normalcy. I am married to the most amazing man. He is so loving and caring. He does not hesitate to do things for me and he puts up with so much. I keep telling myself i should be happy. We have a house, a car, great jobs, a wonderful husband but the emotion of happiness is just not registering in my brain. I feel so out of place and fear hurting my husband emotionaly in the process.
April 8, 2013 at 5:54 pm
Hope
This article is such a huge relief. Just knowing other women feel this overwhelming depression I do is a comfort in itself. I love my husband so much, but after only a month of marriage I feel more lonely than I ever have. Perhaps medication is the way to go here. Thanks for the advice
April 9, 2013 at 7:43 pm
Natz
wow – I cant believe so many other people are feeling this way. I thought I was going insane – had a melt down at work and ended up on antidepressants thinking I was completely loosing the plot. Im not going to list my symptoms cause they are the same as everyone else – the crying and impending doom and sadness – it does lift. Instead im going to give ways i am coping with these intruding feelings.
1. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND – My husband knows everything – while some of it has hurt him a little bit but he knows exactly what is going through my head (i even told him i thought of running at one point). If your partner isnt aware of what is troubling you, he cant help you deal with it. If you cant talk to your husband – talk to someone , write it down and burn it – the aim of the game, get the thoughts out of your head where its easier to process. Things get blown way out of proportion in your mind…you need to let people know exactly what you need be it your family, your friends, your husband or your inlaws. be clear, if you need time and space on your own — let them know.
2. MARRIAGE ISNT ALL ROSES – in my research on here thats one thing that every report or article i have read has said expect ruff patches or “teething problems”. Now I wasn’t living with my now husband before we got married – so there has been a few “teething issues”. Little things about him irritate the jeepers outta me!! stuff like he never unloads the dishwasher or cleans — I got asked “how long since you last did the washing (this was meant in a nice way might it add – i however didnt hear it this way) he was quickly told “you know where the washing machine is – your hands and legs are not painted on Im not your mother.” over reaction yes – he was actually asking if i had anything I wanted washed. so Yes you will argue and bikker and have some huge arguements. But in doing this you are growing and blending to lives as one. 2 unique people in one home – just roll with it. And as one of the elders in our church advised us
“never let the sun set on your anger”.
3. BE KIND TO YOURSELF – my counciller stressed this to me!! Yes there is an image that “these should be the happiest days of my life” reality is its not for you right now…stop putting that expectation there your just gunna stress yourself out more. Dont fight the anxiety it will give it more power, the fear will cripple you and then say hello to a full blown melt down (well thats what happened to me). Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling – should you be happy? possibley but the fact is your not right at this point but it doesnt mean your not ever going to be. Just think what you need to think and process that thought and put it away. I still sit there sometimes and think “wow what if this is the biggest mistake ever, i should leave, this feeling will leave and I will go back to normal if i leave” reality is – no i wont feel better, i will be running from my fear, and i would have lost the most amazing thing i ever had all because i was scared to push through my clouded feelings.
4. TAKE A STEP BACK – ok so if your like me and not lived with your husband and had a really short engagement (and dating) you need to breath. My husband and I were married in the 11th month of us being together – yup and only engaged for 4 months!! we have known each other for 10 years as friends but hey I dont waste time ahaha. 20/20 vision in hinesight – yes we should have waited a little longer but the fact of the matter is we didnt. did it add extra stress — oh boy did it what.
So let yourself breathe – weddings are listed in the top 5 most stressfull things you will do in your life. You have all your family in a confined area – 2 families infact (if they are like our families its like a storm in a tea cup). the actual planning of the wedding which is stressful. if your like me you had to find a house, move into it, set it up, then theres the honeymoon – travel “great so now i have to unpack and then find all my stuff for a holiday”…come back from honeymoon and everyone wants your attention…then its back to a demanding job !!! just writing that makes me exhausted!! you are tired, you have had a hectic couple of months with some high stress situations…let yourself breathe, chill out relax and stop putting pressure on yourself.
Getting married is a massive change, weither you have been with your partner forever or like me got married quickly – the dynamics change and this takes a little adjusting to a new way of life…let yourself adjust. remember your vows – remember the feeling you felt when you started to walk towards your man – and remember the love you had for him before. This feeling will not last forever its just an adjustment hiccup and you will get through – even if you like me need a little medical help for a little while. I love my husband and cant picture life without him. He made a promise to stand beside me in sickness and in health till death do us part…remember the vows…and dont just walk away, try to work through…he is your life partner and your best friend and needs to be kept in the picture but you also need to stress to him how much he is loved. make sure he is secure and knows that this doesnt change how u feel.
I have moments when i feel like i am useless and a terrible wife but i throw those thoughts out as soon as they enter my head. I as a christian pray – seek guidence — if thats your thing i suggest you read your word and press in – if its not — do something that makes you feel safe and secure. I didnt want to change my surname – my husband didnt understand why but as im dealing with my feelings and my anxiety its getting easier and that foreign name is starting to look like my own. I can think of my wedding day – without my stomach going inknots and I can look at the pictures without think – oh my goodness thats so not me…the best thing you can do is just give yourself time to adjust – it might take a month, it might take 6 but you will get there. have faith